flat

Its been a while. Life goes on. Some things change, and yet nothing really changes at all. Currently, the boy who tore my world apart and I speak here and there as friends, but my heart is always very guarded. I do not allow myself to feel things that will hurt me again. I stay quiet inside. I was unable to go to work for about a month due to the situation with my mom and being mentally unable to ... well, do anything some times.

But the reason I am currently writing: something strange has happened in my brain within the past 2 weeks.  My theory is that the breaking down of my mind has finally resulted in this strange truth: I can't feel anymore. Its a very strange feeling - or should I say, lack of feeling. I am curious as to the why I am like this. For the past 6 months I've been unable to watch tv, to read books, or to listen to music for fear of these activities evoking an emotional response. This week, I watched a movie, I listened to sad music... and nothing. I talked to my boy, and not much of anything. He also noticed I seemed "sad." At work, 3 separate people have asked me if something was wrong in the past 2 weeks. I felt fine at the time. At my church, a couple people have asked me. Two other friends have asked me on 3 different days. I started asking people what they meant when they asked, "Are you okay? Is something wrong?" after hearing it so many times. One of the girls at work said that I just looked like I was moving slowly. One of the ladies at my church said I looked troubled.

After discussing this with another close friend on the phone (he hasn't seen me), one possible conclusion is that I no longer walk around smiling all the time. Maybe I don't have the motivation/desire to fake smile anymore. Maybe I don't  feel a smile inside anymore. In fact, today I tried to be smiley just for the sake of it, and it felt very forced and difficult. My other theory is that my anti-depressant or anxiety medicine are causing a "flat affect."

I kind of wonder if I'm damaged and I have given up. I am existing, waiting for the end.  Instead of waiting in expectation, I'm just sitting in silence, passing time until I die or the world ends. I really don't care which. I really don't care about much. Just my kids. There is no hope for the future. There is nothing to look forward to. There is no happiness to be found. Maybe now I've finally accepted my fate, instead of fighting for a better future, hoping for happiness, hoping for something to happen that will fill my heart. It was a nice dream while it lasted, I suppose. Don't even really care about that anymore either. whatever.

funeral

My mom died 5 days ago of cancer.
She was buried today.

I tried to take such good care of her. Nothing I could do could keep her here with me. I know it makes no sense, but I feel like some how I failed her because she died. I needed to tell her 100 more times that I loved her before she left. The millions of times I told her weren't enough. I hugged her and told her not be scared or sad, because God would take care of her, we will see each other again, I love her, and I will stay with her.

After she passed, she looked so peaceful. Just sleeping. Finally at peace, asleep, awaiting the promise of the resurrection. But that didn't make it any easier to watch her go in to the ground today. We'll be apart for just a little while, but until then I'll miss her.

I feel like a little girl who just wants her mommy.
I miss my mommy.

whisper of peace

I had a good day yesterday. I spent time away from everything. Hung out with people I never met before. I smiled and laughed more than I have in so so long. I had fun.

I'm just a silly girl, trying to find my way.

I think I may have found a way out of my... nervous/mental breakdown of sorts. I have secluded myself from the world. No television, no music, spending time think about things on my own. Trying to find the peace and quiet in my head. I'm okay with being lonesome. I have responsibilities to fulfill to many people. I have the sweetest 2 little boys in the whole world. I have God to talk to when I am lonely.

 That's all I need.

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep
But I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep
And miles to go before I sleep"

- Robert Frost

scars

There was this girl I used to know. She was unsure of herself, had no confidence.  She didn't think she was good enough, and she didn't know the goodness she had inside. She was filled with doubts and fears. She was cloaked in a sadness all the time... but somewhere underneath, she had a happy spirit and a warmth and a hope.

There was this boy I used to know. He took that girl and built her up. He gave her confidence. He made her feel good enough. He tried to erase those doubts and protect her from her fears. With her sadness fading away, her warmth became a glow around her more and more. Her happy spirit was able to blossom, and her hopes and dreams were filled with good things to come. Her sadness disappeared.

But one day (as these things often happen), the boy went away. He told her he did not want her anymore. He threw her away like trash - worthless and easy to toss aside. His false promises took her hopes and smashed them to a thousand pieces. His words that gave her confidence felt like lies. He extinguished her happy spirit. Her fears felt like realities.

The goodness she had was stripped away, and she was left alone to feel ashamed and abandoned and humiliated. Her happy spirit was suffocated out by the pain, and locked away with the rest of her emotions as a defense to preserve her life and the remnants of her sanity.

Somewhere the warmth she had is hiding beneath cold cinders and ash, withering and dying. Some days she wants it to go out completely.


You have no idea of the scars you've left behind.
I doubt you even care.

nightmares

I couldn't sleep last night. I was worrying about you. I don't know why, but I just wanted to know you were okay. Worried something was wrong. Should I ask and break the silence? Is there something wrong?  Was this a subconscious hint of sorts that I need to check on you? Or is it my broken mind looking for excuses to talk to you again?

3 weeks, 1 day

Its been 3 weeks and 1 day since I last spoke to you.

I offered my heart for you to have forever. I risked the life I know here for a chance to be happy.

but you told me, no.

I'm trying my best to make it through. Some days I feel like I can do this. Some days I wonder if I will always feel broken having lost you. A piece of me is missing.

"The one person I've ever loved so completely."

You said that to me once, and now I know what it means... to love completely.

I miss you so much. I feel empty. But here I am. This is the longest I've gone without speaking to you in almost 2 years, and I'm still alive. My body refuses to stop breathing.

Sometimes I wish it would stop breathing.

So on I'll go, surviving without you. Tears refuse to fall anymore for the boy who doesn't want me.

but my fragile little heart is having trouble finding a way to heal.

song rough draft

I hate music
can't watch TV
refuse to feel anything
because I'll feel you

abundant sunshine,
then cloudy days
between the clouds,
no more sun rays

tears on my bed,
tears on the floor
this place is drowning
sinking in loss


a Pony Tail Parade
want to hold your hand
but you'll find some one
someone better than me



my puzzle piece
a missing piece
something is gone
I feel incomplete


I gave my whole self
my body and soul
beautiful, ugliness
paint the canvas black

I hate that I love you
throw it away
risk my life for a smile
happiness is a curse

ease this suffering
endure through the pain
I don't want it anymore
please take it away