always

I broke down. I contacted him.

My sadness was drowning me.

He misses me as much as I miss him.

He still loves me.

He will love me always.

It is good to know that someone still cares and that I'm not easily forgotten.

It is good to feel loved and special.

Comforting, but sad in a different way, because we are still apart.

Will most likely always be apart.

But he said he replays every memory and doesn't ever want to forget me.

His biggest fear is that I will forget him... or even regret him.

Some memories will fade, but I never will forget completely.

Maybe I regret circumstances, but never that I was able to know someone so beautiful inside and out.

I do not ever want to regret loving someone and being loved so sweetly.

We had something so wonderful, most people will not understand.

but that is okay, because what we had does not come around everyday.

It makes it that much more special.

bruised

I've had a rough time lately. I still feel bruised all over every day. Maybe I'm just impatient with this process. When I'm able to sleep, I can forget about stuff for a little while... but every day when I wake up, I remember my best friend is gone and feel sad again. Can you just tell me that you are fine, and everything is getting better for you, and you are much better off without me? I just want to be better, and maybe if you are, then I can get on with it. Please tell me its all going to be okay.

let me sleep

What am i supposed to do with myself?

i try to sleep away the pain.

But after sleeping for days, i can't seem to sleep anymore.

Laying in bed in the dark is too quiet, too lonely.

When i wake up, i sit and don't know what to do with myself.

i don't have anything to look forward to.

There is nothing to look forward to but more emptiness.

The things i enjoy have no appeal.

Moving at all feels like too much effort.

I can't live every day crying over this loss.

The loss of something more beautiful than i knew existed.

Lost.

i'm lost.

i just want to sleep.

please let me sleep.

if I drove all night

If I drove all night to you, if I showed up at your house, on your doorstep...

Would you tell me to turn around and go back home?

Or would you tell me you still love me, and ask me to stay?

losing my mind

the pain started to ease. slowly.
It took a week to get to that point - where it didn't feel acutely painful.
I even had one day that I felt like things would get better.

... but today I think I've gone entirely crazy.

I hadn't had a period since we were together. I was about 5 days late. At first I was freaked out, scared. But somehow - in my messed up, brokenhearted mind - if I were pregnant, I wouldn't have lost you completely. I'd be able to talk to you just one more time, to tell you. Even if you never wanted to see me again. Even if you wanted nothing to do with me or the baby, I'd have a part of you. It somehow gave me hope.

Today I started that dreaded monthly awfulness. (I know: Too Much Information)
And my heart is broken all over again... because I've lost you and I have no hope, no reason, no excuse to hold on to having one more moment with you. Not even one phone call.

and there is no one I can talk to about it.
there is no one who would understand.
no one to turn to

I don't even think I can pray to God. I want all the wrong things. I've worn his patience thin, and I can't ask him to help me with something that I know could ruin your life. I pray without words. I don't know what to ask for. He's all I have left, and I'm scared he will leave me as well.

I still love you.
I don't know how to let go.
I don't know how to get over someone who I know still loves me too.

I just want to hear you tell me everything will be okay.

pain

The worst pain I've ever felt in my life.

You are so kind to me.

You want to build me up at all times, and did so every day.

You were the sunshine, the happiness in every day. I'm not sure how to smile without you.

You were a protector of my heart and my self image.

You were a head to my spirtuality.

You inspired me to do better, and be better in my prayer and study.

To know that we can never speak again feels like too much to comprehend, too much to bear

work

Working night shift. Distraction helping. Feelings more numb.

Thank you for hearing my prayers. For granting the peace I needed.

I fear going to sleep in the morning. Will the pain become fresh again?

Will I wake up with the pain in my heart tearing me apart?

first day without you

Every moment is excruiating.

 Constant panic attack in my chest, heart racing. Can't sleep. Every time I close my eyes, my feelings play like cruel songs in my head, that hurt me even more. I wake up over and over to stabbing in my chest. Crying every time I think of you.

I didn't know this would be so bad. Praying for some of the pain to be taken away ... to be given the correct perspective. I don't feel like I can bear this hurt. Praying for time to dull the sting.

My house feels so empty without you to look forward to, and without you to talk to

remember

I don't want to forget anything. I don't want to forget the love of my life.

He has dark soft messy hair that I find adorable. He cuts his own hair with scissors.

Dry skin, manly shape, thick legs, muscular arms, but not too big. Just right. He's strong, solid.

The strongest, most loving hugs, and he loves to snuggle.  He says he's big spoon, and I'm little spoon.

When he goes to bed at night, he always says he is saving my place, puts his arms in a fake hug, with a space in the middle, and says that's where I'm supposed to be.

I gave him the present he asked for. He said he was sleeping with it.

He has thick hands, soft, and a calloused "bitey spot" on his ring finger. He said he bites it when he's nervous or stressed.

He likes smells. the smell of the girl he loves. He says he memorizes, remembers by smell. I think its funny, he wants to smell armpits. haha. mine, anyways. ha. But I didn't mind, because he was mine. I hope I never forget his smell, but I know time will make it fade.

(hurts to remember, but must write before I forget)

His cheeks dry too, but wonderful. Says he can't grow facial hair on his cheeks, only his chin and mustache. Cute scraggly side burns. He calls it "jew curl." I hate that he says Jew, but its him. I love him.

He loves his parents. His parents are so nice. They love their son. They visit each other and he lives only 10-20 minutes away from all of his family.

When he was young, his dad would say every morning, "A NEWWWW DAAAAYYY HAS DAWWWWWNED" in a deep voice to wake him up. His mom would come sit by his bed with a cup of coffee and ask about his dreams.

We have so much in common. So many parallels in our lives. Interests, opinions, events, the same car. You said I am the female reflection of you. That's why we fit together so well.

When ever I was feeling down, you'd never let me stay that way. You would smile. Act silly, dance your terribly silly dances and make your faces. Every time you smiled, it was infectious. I couldn't not smile.

I love your faces.  You thinking face, your JD face, your silly crooked smile face, even when you were sick, so cute. Just wanted to kiss it. The face you made when you were trying to act serious, and not let the people at your work know you were smiling because you were talking to me. And best of all... I could always see the change in expression when you'd look back over to me on the computer. Your eyes would light up, and your face would change, happy. I could see it every time. Happy because you were looking at me.

You said I calm you. When you are anxious or upset, I calm you. You said just seeing my face made your day better. Even the day we ended things, you said that you were waiting for me to get online, because you needed me to calm you, and I did. Seeing me made you happy every time. I love that I could do that for you.

Any hint of doubt I displayed, you would immediately tell me about all the things you felt were wonderful in me. Lists and lists of positive qualities that you believed I have, and that I am beautiful. After a while, I believed all the things you told me. You made me feel good about myself and who I am. Warmed my heart. Made me love you even more.

You said that I made you feel amazing. That no one has ever made you feel the way I did. I made you believe that you were wonderful, handsome, smart, spiritual, a great person... because you are. No one is better. You're the best man I've ever met, and I told you that. Always believe that about yourself.

You said Jack Johnson's "Angel" was about me. That I give you presents, with my presence alone. You'd get the next part wrong sometimes, but I loved that you'd say, I had a smile that could melt your heart. And how you knew if we were together, I'd give you kisses on the lips, just for coming home.

The first time I kissed you. I was so nervous to be next to you, I tried to kiss you on the cheek, but you turned your head at the last minute. ha. sweet kisses after that. Had breakfast together and then had fun at museum. Played in the exhibits like kids.

The next time I saw you, kisses were passionate, perfect, wonderful. Your face when I was with you, sweetest, most handsome, heart warming thing I've ever seen. I felt like I fit just right in your arms. Your mouth, soft and amazing. Your hands, gentle and sweet. Not timid like I thought you'd be. So comfortable with each other. I didn't feel self conscious at all, just wonderful, by your side.

And its over now.

You said yesterday you wish that somehow we had married years ago, and had our own kids together.

You talked many times about how you wish you could have a time machine, and go back and marry me. I told you maybe it wouldn't have worked out. That we are the people we are today, because of the past. And although I think we are perfect for each other now, to change that may have ruined what we have today.

Now guilt.

I feel like I ruined what we had. It was wrong even when it was innocent. I love you so much that I didn't care at the time. At first I said I don't regret sharing myself with you. I still don't completely, but I regret the effects that has had on you, and wish I could take it back. Things would have gone on longer. But they shouldn't have gone on longer. It should have ended before I was madly in love with you. Before I felt like I couldn't live without you. Before I knew with all my heart that you were the love of my life and no one else would ever compare. You love me so much, and even though part of me wants to end up with you still, and I never want you to share the love we had with anyone else... I want you to be happy. Find the girl that can be your happily ever after, and be blessed with all the things you deserve.

gone

My heart is broken

No words to explain the pain in my chest.

No comfort anywhere, in anything.

I understand why, but it doesn't stop it from hurting. It hurts so bad.

Tears pouring from eyes, won't stop. Don't want them to stop.

And yet I know he still loves me, but he left.

He said, "I love you more completely than I've ever loved anyone."

And then he said goodbye.

Hear me please, Jehovah God. Please see that this was so hard,
and grant forgiveness one day because we'd do this for you, God.

Only our love for You could make me accept this pain.

I'm sorry for what I've done.  I'm sorry that I still want it.

Forgive me for hurting the person I love.

Please heal him. Give him a good life.

Give him blessings for his strength and courage to do whats right.

Please don't be angry at me for having a broken heart.

It hurts so much. More than I can bear.

Anxiety overwhelming me.

Sobbing ... no words.

Just sobbing and hurt and broken ... and guilt.

What have I done?

Why did I do this to him and You?

I'm so so sorry.

The blur of tears as I try to type out my feelings.

Trying to ease the pain... but the tears keep falling, faster and harder

heartache choking me in my chest and throat

I hadn't allowed myself to feel, to cry.
I've held it in, but I can't anymore.

Just want to sob myself to sleep and never wake up.

I don't deserve to wake up.

I don't want to wake up and remember he is gone again.