wonderful days

I've felt nothing but happiness for the past 4 days. No doubts about how you feel. You are wonderful to me and take every chance to tell me that you think I am wonderful too. I don't know when or if I'll ever see you in person again, but for now, I'm just happy that you are in my life in any way. I appreciate every call, every message, every time I get to see you through video. I even got to talk to your parents today, and they like me. That just makes my day, maybe my week! Everything about you just gets better and better. I told you that you're practically perfect. What I mean is, you are perfect for me, in my eyes, a perfect match, a perfect balance. Now if only we didn't have these obstacles between us, we might be perfect together.

I realized something too today. You've kind of fixed me. I've never thought someone could fix someone else. You have to fix yourself, right? My thoughts of self harm, self hate... I haven't thought about those things in a couple months. I've lived with those evil impulses in my head for 30 years. How did you do that? Seems like it had to be you. You came in to my life, and now I feel better about myself. Even through the turmoil I've felt in these past months, I haven't turned to thinking about hurting myself. I don't know if you are aware of the bad things that were in my head, but they seem to be gone now. That is so huge, I don't even know how to describe it.

Somehow you quietly rescued me. I love you. Thank you.

excited

So happy today!!

I get to talk to you in a little bit, and I am feeling so happy and energetic!

You said you were excited to talk to me and miss my guts out. haha. I miss you too! I can't wait until some day when we can be together and try to have a happily ever after. Can't think about that too hard or I will get frustrated. Today I refuse to think about the facts that hold us apart. Today, its just you and me. I will see you via the internet and hear your voice, and be thankful for what I can have for now. Why do you have to be so far away?!

Maybe someday you will read all of this and know that I am madly in love with you! haha. You probably already know. In fact today I have no doubt that you love me too. But for now its my little secret from everyone else, except from those who might stumble upon this blog, reading about some goofy girl somewhere with her heart all tangled up in this boy.

okay, well, I am stopping typing now so I can get ready.

Oh the secrets I have yet to disclose to you readers...

life

I might be failing,

but I'm trying my best

and that's all I can do

funny

a song  (more past stuff)


Thank you
for the smile and the laughs
for letting me feel goo about myself
for listening even though you didn't mean it

Thank you
for showing me whats real
for pulling my head out of the clouds
Silly me laughing at myself

You want to know something funny?
I almost told you I love you
Do you think that's funny too?
You should! ha ha ha
In fact, that is totally lame!
Can't believe I almost said it
I almost told you I love you

Thank you
for saving me from heartache
Well, thank you for not letting it get worse
You know, What if I had said it?

That speech you gave came just in time
To prevent my humiliation - ha
Silly me, still laughing at myself

You want to know something funny?
I almost told you I love you
Do you think that's funny too?
You should! ha ha ha
In fact, that is totally lame!
Can't believe I almost said it
I almost told you I love you

One more funny thing I know - ha ha!
I think you almost said it too

nothing new

(more past stuff)

Maybe I was not special at all
Just a girl on a list
A time waster to prevent boredom
Another face in a million

You didn't teach me anything new
I already knew I wasn't special
I already knew I was not worth while

But you did make me feel like I was special for a moment
For a moment I felt worthwhile
For just a moment you made me smile
but it was all a lie

broken

(past stuff)

This is my very first writing. He tried to break up with me... because it was "for the best and the right thing to do." He said certain things to me - to get us to stop talking, to make it "easier." I couldn't sleep that night. I was up late watching TV and there was a girl on this show that said when she had too much emotion inside, she had to write songs to get it out before it became too much for her to bear. I wrote this that night. She was right. It helped a lot. Its not super poetic, but it got those feelings out so that I could feel a little better.

You told me I was beauiful
I believed you

There was no one else like me

You told me I made you feel amazing

You made me feel the same way

I believed your words

when I looked at your face.

So why did you take it all away?

You threw me away
wasnt' hard at all

You said it was easy

I felt like I was worth while

for the first time in my life

I felt like I was special

but everything is gone

I almost thought you loved me

Imaginary dream

lies in words and in my head

Taken and broken.

I lied to myself

That my feelings weren't this strong

but now that you left

my heart is broken

how can a heart that doesn't feel be broken?

The smile in my life is gone

No longer am I beautiful, special, kind

... I'm just broken

holding back

I feel like I live in a dream.  I don't know whats real.

I never get to be with you.  I keep waiting to wake up... to wake up and find it was only a dream, and mourn that this beautiful dream is over. I'm holding back.  Not sure if I can give my heart completely anymore to something that's always just out of reach.  Do I leave everything real behind to chase a dream?  A dream that may not be real?  What if its not what we thought.  What if I'm not who you think I am.  What if I don't measure up.  What if you don't.  If I leave here, there is no going back.  Stay or go.  The consequences cannot be undone.  Decisions made will send waves through every corner of both of our lives.  How do I know what to do in a dream?  How do I make a dream into reality?  One fact holds us apart.  That is the only reality I am sure of. You feel real to me, and I feel real to you, but often dreams feel real until you wake up.  I'm not sure if I want to wake up.  What will I have left to hold on to if my dream isn't real?

autopilot

daily life
going through the motions
moving through time
waiting for time to pass
not allowing myself to feel
no smiles, but no sadness
just existing
but I'm okay with that
today is a good day for that
the usual
my life before you
and possibly my life after you
my coping mechanism
not content, but not yearning
I feel fine
I feel quiet
I don't feel much at all
but I'm okay with that

pretend world

So we have this pretend world where we can be together. Maybe run away together. We have a little house. Its either on the beach or a secluded home in the woods. Two totally different landscapes, I know. Usually I like the appeal of the woods. I like the thought of growing a garden and eating vegetables from my own land. I like the idea of solitude. Beauty of the trees. You teach me how to hunt, so we can provide most of our own food. The best part is that this version is not too far from reality to come true.

Today though, I thought of the beach. Our little villa or hut. You start your own business. I work 2 days per week. Enjoying the sun, peacful, quiet except the sound of the waves, cool nights wrapped up in each other's warmth and happiness.

... anywhere we can end every day wrapped in each other's warmth sounds like home.

thank you

I feel so happy today. I got to see you. Well, over the computer (oh the wonders of the internet), but still I got to see your face. You make me so proud of myself. You support me and tell me how wonderful I am.

The wonderful one is you though. You are amazing. Everything about you: kind, polite, loving, spiritually strong, and so handsome. You open doors for strangers and little old ladies. You think about the world, God, family, health, work, and want to better yourself. All those positive things you try to give back to me, and make me feel inside myself. I feel like I have worth and confidence when I see myself through your eyes. Thank you.

I love you. You make my heart sing.

sometimes I forget

       Yesterday I tried to tell myself you had something better going on. The bits and pieces of messages I received from you over the past 4 days were always nice, made me smile, but very few and far between. I tried to tell myself we were done, you were getting over me. Focus on something else. No big deal. These things happen. Maybe your feelings fade with time apart. I have a lot of things to work on in my life, in my family. I told myself, "listen to the Bible on MP3. Do not focus on something you cannot have!" I made it to Isaiah. That's an accomplishment. "Whatever you do," I said, still speaking to myself, "Do NOT play that CD he made for me with the cute songs. Don't do it! Don't!!"

       Okay, so maybe I listened to two songs... but I turned it off after that! I put in my headphones and turned up the bible. That was better. I put my hands over my ears as if to try to drown out the sound of the songs I'd just heard. The lingering notes floating somewhere in the air. Stop the music from getting back in my ears, into my head.

       It was the middle of the night. I thought the day was over for the people who work "normal" hours. They should all be asleep. You weren't asleep. You were thinking of me. You had been drinking a bit of courage. Not too much, just enough. You sent me a message. You made my heart smile. Stupid heart. I told it to forget you. Now its all confused again. Why do I always do this? If I don't hear from you, I try to pull myself out of this crazy situation we have gotten in to. If I don't hear from you, I try to tell myself you don't care. ... but I'm always wrong. Everytime, I'm wrong.

Sometimes I forget...  that you said you love me.

       Am I trying to protect myself from the inevitable? from the bad ending that will come one day? You love me. You don't say that easily. You've only told one other girl those relationship-changing words in the past 10 years, so I know its not said lightly. I know that you mean it. Last week you said, "Sometimes I think you forget why I love you."

       I told you, "No, sometimes I just don't feel those reasons inside me." I wonder if I really am so beautiful, smart, fun, giving, caring as you try to convince me that I am.

       Tonight, I heard your voice. You told me you want to be with me. That I make you want to be better in your life. That you want to make me feel the happiness and confidence that I give you. You didn't tell me you love me, but I know why. Its because I won't say it out loud back to you. I haven't told you out loud. I've written it, I've typed it, but I won't tell you back. Not out loud. I want to. I've wanted to for a while, but I want to tell you to your face. When I see you again. Not over the phone. Not in a video message. I want to tell you when you are next to me. You asked me to whisper it in your ear. I want to be with you in person, so I can know its real. So you can know the words I tell you are real.

I miss you

I cannot be with you now
to feel my hand in yours
to hear you sweet and gentle
to breathe in your scent, your warmth

please hold me, content and safe
distance is our curse and our protection
my heart is happy, full of love
my heart is deceived and treacherous

I want to give you these words
I want you to know your worth
I know you love me too
but there are things we cannot face

I send these words out in to space
hoping they will find you
I know that you miss me
please know that I miss you too

decisions

(a song I wrote last night)

He won't let me go

but he won't let me keep him.

he knows he should let me go

but he can't

my heart is aching, cannot heal

stop the pain

you rip the wounds back open

it makes fresh the pain

run away from all of this, with me

please I beg you

run

or leave

and don't come back to hurt me

my heart is aching, cannot heal

please stop the pain

wounds rip back open

it makes fresh the pain

be with me forever

just you and me and happiness

dreams come true

become nightmares when awaken

its beautiful

perfect

flawed

doomed

but mostly I love you

my heart is aching

and I cannot take it

be by my side forever

or leave

please leave

don't leave

don't ever leave

please stop the pain

the wounds rip back open

The Beginning

I'm starting this blog today, because I need a place where I can express myself. I need support, a place where I can write my feelings down, anonymously, and get feedback, support, without ridicule from objective viewers, and maybe find other people who can relate.

Maybe you started your blog for some of the same reasons?  Have you ever felt like you have to hold it all inside? That you can't let the world know whats going on in your head or in your heart? Have you ever felt like your heart is so full, that you just have to get it out or you'll burst?  I'm done holding it all inside. I'm done with trying not to feel. Its not healthy for me. I've done it for 30 years, and its crushing.

I should start from the beginning, but so much has happened that it is impossible to write it all down. How could I even remember it all?  My blogs that I write from here on reflect the different stages of the turmoil that are going on inside me. Reflections of the secret things I hold inside. Sometimes in poems and songs, sometimes in ramblings, silliness, and rants. I have a very happy, crazy, fun, smiling, silly side; however, I have to admit that I have problems with anxiety and depression that over shadow who I know I can be and want to be.

Some of the things I post will be from the past until I can get them all down.

I will be mysterious about the details, but I think if you read between the lines... when enough has been posted... you'll see a glimpse of the picture. I hope you'll understand.

You'll see soon that there is more to this story as of recent. Things that are troubling me and things that make me feel hope. Things that I'm not even sure I want to write down, but I feel like I have to. Like I said, I can't hold it all inside anymore. Good or bad... I'm throwing myself out there for the world to see.