plans

I am going through the motions of doing better. Maybe I am doing better... but I have plans in my head. A packed bag in my car. A date written on my calendar.

I wonder what will happen when this month is over. Will he contact me to see how I am doing? Will I break down and contact him? Will I lose my mind and drive off to see him?

I want to show up at his house, or work. I want to pretty myself up. I'll buy a cute dress. I'll text him and ask him where he is. Tell him I have a surprise. Tell him to go outside, and there I will be... waiting for him to be so surprised and happy, and run to hug me.

I think he'd hug me and be happy, but would he have come to his senses in these past few weeks and say I need to go home? I feel like even if he did, that I would have my answers and we could make a better break. I hate that we both want something we can't have. If one of us rejected the other, it would be like a real break up. Time to  heal and get over it. No more feeling like its just out of reach. It would be happy or be done.

I think I might... I think I might go. I'll buy my cute dress. I'll drive all day or all night. I'll get myself fixed up. I'll call him when I get there. I'll see if he will accept me. I will take the biggest risk of my life. maybe.

bitterness

        So I see these people who are in our situation (or at least very close to it). They did what we did. They decided to stay apart.... until yesterday. I saw them together. They told everyone. They said screw it! We love each other, shut up, we will be together. Yeah, they are facing some consequences.

        At first I was surprised, maybe shocked. Then I thought it was cute. Then I got really bitter and jealous. Why couldn't that be me? Why can't I have what I want? Why do I try to do the right thing all the time, and I struggle, and work hard, and take care of my family and those around me, and now I'm taking on a second job, and I suffer through heart ache, and I suffer through all these emotions, no relief, no help from anywhere, no understanding. Why don't I get to have my happily ever after?!?

       I've never felt bitter or jealous before. Not really. But yesterday I did. I even packed a bag. I put it in my car. I laughed to myself. It felt liberating. Its still sitting in my car. Waiting for me to take it to where ever I decide my destination might be.

        Then I thought about my responsibilities. I can't leave. I might leave. But I can't today. I wish you could come to see me. I don't want to put that hassle on you shoulders. I want to go to you. You are so far away. Ugh. I still feel bitter. Though I get better controlling my emotions, and my obvious display of constant sadness fades as far as anyone outside can see, I'm still not right.

        I had happily ever after in front of me. Is it too late now? Is my one chance gone?

        I am so jealous of them. All I want is a small piece of happiness on this earth to share with you. That is all I ask. That is all I want. I am fading. My hopes are fading. My sadness fades into uncaring and duty.

        So if you see me, and I seem happy, or I'm smiling... All I've done is paint a pretty coat of fresh pain over the rotting wall of my heart. On the outside I'm doing fine. On the inside, the scars will never completely fade.

addicted

I think I'm addicted to a person. ha ha

I'm totally going through withdrawal :( What in the world do I do?
I have the shakes, and the anxiety, and constantly thinking about him.

How do you fight an addiction?

He says he is mine, but really he's not.

I need help.

best friend

I saw something from over a year ago that got me remembering a lot of stuff. About the way things used to be... I remember how I looked forward to talking to you every week. How you made me laugh and smile, and how we talked about silly fun stuff. Nerdy video games, SciFi, and conspiracy. We wrote each other stories. You were always a knight to the rescue in my stories. I was always a damsel turned heroine in yours. You always built me up and I found value in myself for the first time in my life because of your kind words. Before everything got complicated, you were a good friend. More than just someone I would eventually fall in love with, you were my best friend. I miss my bestie so much. 

I sit here everyday not knowing what to do with myself. I go run, I clean the house, I play games with the kids, I play volleyball, I go to work... but I can't talk to you, and there's an empty spot where you used to be. I keep going through the motions, but its like there is nothing to look forward to. I used to look forward to talking to you, and the next time I'd see you. I wanted to look forward to more - to you being in my life, going on vacation together, grocery shopping, planting a garden together, playing those nerdy video games together, discovering everything there is to know about each other, snuggling, and kissing you when you get home from work. But instead, there's nothing. I can't fill the empty spot. What should someone look forward to when the love of their life is gone? 

But I don't want to be sad, so I'll just remember all the nice things and the sweet things and the happy things for now... until I can find a way to fill the empty place where my best friend used to be.

want

Everyone asks me what I want. I try not to think about it, because it doesn't matter.

There is what I should and should not do. There is responsibility and obligation and doing what's right.

But since everyone keeps asking, just this once I will answer:

        First of all, I just want to be happy. But if we are talking about dreaming big, my dreams aren't too big. They are pretty simple. I want a nice but moderate house. Not too big. Maybe even a bit small, but well taken care of, well made, and nicely decorated. I want this house on a decent amount of land - 10 acres minimum. I'd like 20 or 100acres, but that's not realistic... but hey, if this is my dream, then 100 it is! I want trees. lots of big tall trees. Maybe the land is wooded, but it wouldn't have to be, just have trees. I want a garden. I want to grow my own food. I want to work on the land with my husband. I want my husband to enjoy doing this with me. Maybe my husband in this story could even hunt and bring home dinner some days. I'm actually not much of a country girl. I'm a city girl who wants the quiet of the country. I want a place where my kids can go outside and run and play in the dirt and explore. Not next to a bunch of busy roads. Safe, and quiet. When I think about work, my mind keeps thinking of long hard days, but I keep forgetting this is MY dream. I can do what I want. Maybe I work only 6-8 hours, 3 days per week. I'll wake up early to make sure my husband has his coffee and breakfast. I'll kiss him good bye. I want my husband to miss me when we're apart. I want to take care of him, and he will take care of me. The days I have off will be spent in the garden, and running, and ministry. When I go to work, I want to be home before or at the same time as him. I'll pick some vegetables from the garden. We'll make dinner together, spend time together. Smile together. Every evening ending the same: kisses and snuggles and love. On weekends, I want to work out together in the morning. A Saturday morning run. Maybe we'll make a trail on our land. In the afternoon, I want to have plans on Saturdays. Have fun, go out to do something, or invite people over. Sundays, go to "church" in the mornings. Hold hands during prayer. Sing together. Be lazy together in the afternoon. Work in the yard/land. Sunday nights, watch our favorite TV show, then go to bed, wrapped up in love and feeling safe and warm.

But to have any part of this... That's all too much to ask I guess.

choose

When next I can talk to you, there is something I want to say:

Choose that you will be with me and live with the consequences... or let me go.
My heart is too broken without you.
If you can't be with me, then I have to try to heal it.
I can't keep holding on and enduring the pain.

Maybe when we talk again, I'll have changed my mind.

...but right now, this isn't fair to either one of us.

challenge

Conversations start again and again, no matter how we try to stay away. He worries about me. He wants me to leave with him, but says he can never ask that of me.

I worry about him. I want his family to approve. I want him to have happiness that comes from a complete life.

We have love so complete, intense, so happy... there are few who can understand.

I am his sunshine, his comfort, and obsession. He smiles every time he sees me.

He makes me feel beautiful, special, capable, feminine, and desired.

We know there are things more important than us. A bigger picture.

A challenge: one month no talking to each other. The longest we've gone is 3 weeks.

What will change in a month? Will we love each other all the same? Will the aching in my heart subside? Will I slowly lose the pure happiness and contentment I have when I think of him? Will time make him forget? He says he won't ever stop loving me. I say I won't either... but what do we know?

I dreamed about him last night. Half waking, half dreaming. I rolled over in bed. For a moment he was with me. I was sleeping in his bed. I saw his sleepy, smiling face. I wanted to get closer, wrap myself in his warmth, strength, and love. I smiled... then realized he wasn't there. I rolled away from where I thought he was, realizing I was in my own bed. Closed my eyes again, and tried to go back to sleep, knowing my love wasn't with me.

I took all his pictures, all our conversations... I put them away in a box. It sits in the back of my closet. A small glowing ember of our love. Will it cool and burn out? Or will it smolder quietly until it ignites and my house goes up in flames?

what will be in one month?