fed up

I'm about over this.

Why do I have to do what I'm told and let my happiness suffer?

Why do I sacrifice myself to the point of breaking for the sake of others - to make them happy - and no one has any consideration for what makes me happy?

Why don't I matter??

I'm in love with a boy who loves me back.

I should be able to have that love.

They tell me I can't speak to him ever again.

I've said this hundreds of times now, but I really can't take much more of this.

I'm fed up.

date night

Tried to go on a date with someone

It didn't work out so well.

I don't want to hold someone else's hand.
I don't want to be close to someone else.
I only want "him."

not ready.

everyone tells me to get over it and thinks I should be over it by now.

can't

there was something between us that doesn't come around very often.

not sure how to describe it, but its not easy to forget.

I'll try to get back to normal, but I'm not sure what that means.

I just keep trying.

but I wonder if it will ever go away.

Will it always be there, somewhere nagging in my heart?

unexpected reminders

It seems he can't stay away any better than I can.

He sent me an email this morning. At first i was excited, but I knew he wasn't supposed to send it. No more contact: we had agreed upon that. He wrote me a story because today is my birthday. The story said 31  years ago today a girl was born, her qualities refined by the hardships in her life, like coal into diamonds... and "she" grew up into a kind, beautiful princess.

all I said was "thank you." I didn't know if I should respond or what else to say. I couldn't say I love you and I miss you. I couldn't start the conversations again. I can't go through feeling like I have to lose him over and over again, the next time he says we have to stop talking.

He responded. He told me to have a good day.

I didn't answer him that time. I wanted to, but knew I shouldn't. I didnt start the comunication.

I was feeling pretty proud of myself for staying strong. I'm not usually the one who can resist opening up conversation. I suppose I shouldn't be too proud, since I did say thank you, but it was progress for me.

Evening came and I went to work my usual night shift. I felt okay. I felt empty, but stable. Later in the night, I went to check my cell phone. I clicked on my picture gallery accidentally and there were 2 pictures staring me in the face. Pictures of the boy I love so much, eventhough I thought I erased them. I thought they were all gone off the computer and phone. I thought I took everything and placed it in a box in my closet. I didn't want any unexpected reminders... and yet these 2 pictures appeared out of nowhere to taunt my broken soul.

My heart began to hurt. I stared at them for a minute, then turned off my phone. I miss him.

It pulled back memories of how his touch felt, his lips, his face, his tenderness. No, don't think about that any more. Must channel the emptiness.

good bye for now

We started talking again. Its the only thing that makes me better. You said you needed me to calm you. You said I am the only thing that can calm you. Just seeing me and talking to me makes you better. And again, we decided there is to be no more. Not good bye forever. Just for now, until that day sometime in the far future when I run in to you again accidentally in a crowd. Like we did that fall, after 10 years not seeing each other.

I can't even explain the happiness you bring me. Can't explain everything that's been going on to someone who might read this blog. Those who know what is going on don't even know the whole story.

I know these things to be true:
* You love me in every way and want me to be your wife.
* I love you, and if you asked me to be yours forever, I would say yes.
* Our families and our situation won't let us be together, and you have to go away... again.
* I have to not speak to you any more.

I'm not strong enough to endure. Here I am: empty shell. No sunshine without you. I am going to choose today to follow the path that has been chosen for me. The only way for me to survive is to be hollow again inside. There is no other way. I bury myself to survive. Not even sure if I want to survive.

I will do this because I'm told it is the right thing to do.
I will do this for you, the boy I love, so that you can get over it all and heal.
I will do this for my family.
Most of all, I will do this to try to please God, whom I have failed with my shortcomings.

I failed everyone.

I have to tell myself I do not matter. I do not matter at all. I am unimportant. I am not a good person. I am inconsequential to the bigger picture. My happiness is worthless and selfish. I have been incredibly selfish.. I will do what I'm told.

But don't expect me to smile. The love of my life has been torn away from me. I am in pain. I have tried my entire life to make everyone else happy and live up to their standards and be perfect. I just wanted this one thing. I just wanted to be happy. Happiness is selfishness. Its not real. Its a lie.

I will continue through the motions of life, and wait to die, but at least I'll die doing whats right.

little things

Little things pop in to my head at strange times. The way your hair felt when I put my fingers through it. Your lips, the way you kissed me. I used to wish I knew what it was like to hold your hand, and now I know, and I miss it. I miss talking to you so much sometimes. I just don't know what to do.

I feel unstable today. I feel like I might do something crazy. I might just leave everything and go be with you. Would you accept me? Would we live happily ever after? Would I regret? I love you so much.

dream

I had a dream that I was at work... caring for a little baby in the hospital. They told me I had to go to a medical conference to get something for the baby. I was looking for something, but I can't remember what. I walked in to this big lecture hall where someone was speaking. I went and found an empty seat and sat down... next to you.  In my dream, however, I didn't know who you were. I whispered a question to you. You whispered back. We started talking quietly as the speaker continued in the background. You were smiling at me. Even though I didn't know who you were in my dream, I felt happy and knew you were going to be my best friend. You reached over and hugged me, and said "I love you" with a big smile.

I woke up, and you weren't there for me to hug back.

anger

Two days ago I felt myself becoming irritable.

Yesterday, I was short and snappy.

Today I know why. My old coping mechanisms coming back to save me from pain.

I feel my connection to life dissipating. My ability to smile has completely turned off. My sadness is shoved somewhere down in a black hole in my chest. I keep telling myself it doesn't matter, and I don't matter. As long as I fulfill the responsibilities that I have in my life, then how I feel doesn't matter, and no one cares. And I don't care because I don't matter. I'm fine with that. I'm worthless. Always have been. Shouldn't have lied to myself about it. Shouldn't have ever let myself feel again. Shouldn't have let anyone in and let myself be happy. That was a horrible idea. Now I know what it feels like, and I'm completely ANGRY that I have to be this way instead. That's all I have left of my emotions. Just anger and resentment because I don't matter. I should kill those emotions too, so I can be a robot again - a Stepford Wife. Appearing on the outside to be well put together and efficient... but empty inside. 

last night

Last night I felt the weight of my actions.

I felt the hurt I caused people in my life.

I felt the hurt I caused you.

I feel like there is no forgiveness for someone like me.

I feel my tears running down my face.

I feel the beat of my heart in my wrists.

my radial artery pulsing, begging to be cut open and pour out my sadness and regret until I feel nothing at all.

i feel weird

Cant explain it. The pain lessens, but you are still always with me. Everything I see, everything I do, I want to tell you about it. I want to show you. I want you to laugh and smile with me when I smile. I want you to comfort me. I want to feel safe in your love. I know it can't happen. ever. never again. Things keep on getting more complicated. Can we come out the other end of this okay? Unscathed? Friends and family who don't know what's going on can tell I'm different now. I have no desire to talk to anyone. I don't want to play piano or guitar or sing. I don't want to go running or watch TV. I don't want to feel anything anymore. I'm done with sadness, and I'm done with emotion. I don't even want to get out of bed. I don't feel connected to anything anymore. Just going through the motions, doing what I'm supposed to do, fulfilling my responsibilities, trying to find the empty feeling again that allows me to continue breathing. As long as I can find it again, I'll survive. I sit in my paralyzed condition, waiting for the end.