Depression that has been gone far too long, creeping back into my head. Exhaustion overwhelming my rational brain. Hardly any sleep in days. 2 hours yesterday and 2 hours today. Feeling like I'm about to collapse. My body is going to give out. I hope it does give out. Too many burdens to bear on my own.
Doubting my entire existence. I want to find somewhere dark and warm to fall asleep and never wake up. Heart aching, my tears held back as of yet. Playing my sorrows on the piano, a lullaby to soothe and punish me. Music running through my heart. Cutting is calling to me. How horrible is that. I can admit that, but I can't admit what else I hide. I'm lost. so lost. I don't know how to get back.
Sleep. I should sleep. When my eyes open, a new day will be there. Perhaps with a clearer view of what is in store for me. My miserable failures will look brighter. Tomorrow maybe I'll believe the sweet words that today feel forced from you.
Overwhelming. Tears that I can't cry, trying to push through. I won't let them.
Go. Get up. suck it up. I am stronger than this!
I am weak, and I won't admit that I need help. I don't even know who to ask for help. Who would want to help me? Just kick me while I'm down. My boy that I love, I can't ask any more of you than I have already. The ones I am supposed to rely on don't help me. They can never know my heart is torn to pieces by love, or guilt and shame. I will be abandoned by everyone. That would be it. Nothing left to live for. Nothing but death waiting for me, and that doesn't sound so bad right now.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
together
Our day together.
I pulled up in my car, and you were waiting outside. You looked so handsome, I couldn't contain my ridiculously huge smile. Happiness just pouring out of me. Your smile was just as big, and you stared at me with such an excitement and that I had to look away, feeling shy. You hugged me. It felt like home in your arms. calming and wonderful. We went inside and sat down on the couch.
The best 14 hours ever. Dinner, talking, enjoying each other's company. Stayed up all night. I can't even explain how great it was. Time passed too quickly. No more reading messages that say you love me. I saw it on your face, heard the words, felt it. Happiness, wrapped up in each other's arms.
In the morning I had to leave. Had to go back to my life away from you. You had a flight to catch. We wouldn't be able to talk for a couple days. A few messages, but not a lot.
In a few hours, you'll be home, I will be home, and we will talk. After being able to see each other, spend time together in person, I wonder if things will change. Will things be stronger between us? You said it will be harder for us to be apart. I wonder if you feel that way. I wonder if I was everything you hoped for. I hope I didn't disappoint you. You were everything I hoped for and more. I told you that I love you, out loud, looking in your eyes. That's a big deal for me. I didn't think I could do that, but I did without fear.
I miss you.
I pulled up in my car, and you were waiting outside. You looked so handsome, I couldn't contain my ridiculously huge smile. Happiness just pouring out of me. Your smile was just as big, and you stared at me with such an excitement and that I had to look away, feeling shy. You hugged me. It felt like home in your arms. calming and wonderful. We went inside and sat down on the couch.
The best 14 hours ever. Dinner, talking, enjoying each other's company. Stayed up all night. I can't even explain how great it was. Time passed too quickly. No more reading messages that say you love me. I saw it on your face, heard the words, felt it. Happiness, wrapped up in each other's arms.
In the morning I had to leave. Had to go back to my life away from you. You had a flight to catch. We wouldn't be able to talk for a couple days. A few messages, but not a lot.
In a few hours, you'll be home, I will be home, and we will talk. After being able to see each other, spend time together in person, I wonder if things will change. Will things be stronger between us? You said it will be harder for us to be apart. I wonder if you feel that way. I wonder if I was everything you hoped for. I hope I didn't disappoint you. You were everything I hoped for and more. I told you that I love you, out loud, looking in your eyes. That's a big deal for me. I didn't think I could do that, but I did without fear.
I miss you.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
3 more days
We had a spat today, just momentarily. It was hard on you to see everyone in your family with their kids, girl friends, fiance's, wives. You were there alone. You want to have a wife and children too. But you are stuck in limbo with me instead.
I want you to be able to have a girlfriend you can show your family. I want to be her. Plan our family together. I know you want that too... but we can't. I told you I don't want to be in the way of you finding real happiness with someone. I want you to have everything you deserve. I know what I am. I know I'm pretend. I know you can't have real happiness with me.
You told me that I was your happiness. You said I am real. I give you real happiness, real confidence, real love, and you would have turmoil inside without me.
Only 3 more days until I see you. Should I even go? I want to so much, but I just feel weird. There is no other word for it. You kept trying to reassure me over and over, but I know this situation is hard on you. Its okay. I understand. You don't have to try to cheer me up. You said there is no one else in your life, and you don't want anyone else, but I can't help but think you might be happier ... one day ... without me.
I want you to be able to have a girlfriend you can show your family. I want to be her. Plan our family together. I know you want that too... but we can't. I told you I don't want to be in the way of you finding real happiness with someone. I want you to have everything you deserve. I know what I am. I know I'm pretend. I know you can't have real happiness with me.
You told me that I was your happiness. You said I am real. I give you real happiness, real confidence, real love, and you would have turmoil inside without me.
Only 3 more days until I see you. Should I even go? I want to so much, but I just feel weird. There is no other word for it. You kept trying to reassure me over and over, but I know this situation is hard on you. Its okay. I understand. You don't have to try to cheer me up. You said there is no one else in your life, and you don't want anyone else, but I can't help but think you might be happier ... one day ... without me.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
secrets
Someone confided in me. Her secret is eerily similar to ours. I told her my secret. I told her I love you. She told me her story, and how it didn't turn out how she thought it would. She told me how she loves her T. How T is trying to protect her, but her heart is aching, because his protection came in the form of him leaving her.
I wonder if everything between us came to light, if you would fight for me? Am I worth fighting for? Or would we listen to the concerned counsel of those who don't have broken hearts, and reluctantly leave each other behind?
I wonder if everything between us came to light, if you would fight for me? Am I worth fighting for? Or would we listen to the concerned counsel of those who don't have broken hearts, and reluctantly leave each other behind?
Monday, January 9, 2012
feels like good days ahead
You are the best thing that's ever happened to me. You inspire me to do the things I always wanted to do but was too scared to do, to challenge myself to be better. You care when I feel like I'm lacking and pick me back up. I can't wait to see you. 3 weeks. We planned it. Just 3 weeks, and I'll have you all to myself for a few hours. I hope like 12 hours! We'll see. I'll take what I can get. I love you.
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