flat

Its been a while. Life goes on. Some things change, and yet nothing really changes at all. Currently, the boy who tore my world apart and I speak here and there as friends, but my heart is always very guarded. I do not allow myself to feel things that will hurt me again. I stay quiet inside. I was unable to go to work for about a month due to the situation with my mom and being mentally unable to ... well, do anything some times.

But the reason I am currently writing: something strange has happened in my brain within the past 2 weeks.  My theory is that the breaking down of my mind has finally resulted in this strange truth: I can't feel anymore. Its a very strange feeling - or should I say, lack of feeling. I am curious as to the why I am like this. For the past 6 months I've been unable to watch tv, to read books, or to listen to music for fear of these activities evoking an emotional response. This week, I watched a movie, I listened to sad music... and nothing. I talked to my boy, and not much of anything. He also noticed I seemed "sad." At work, 3 separate people have asked me if something was wrong in the past 2 weeks. I felt fine at the time. At my church, a couple people have asked me. Two other friends have asked me on 3 different days. I started asking people what they meant when they asked, "Are you okay? Is something wrong?" after hearing it so many times. One of the girls at work said that I just looked like I was moving slowly. One of the ladies at my church said I looked troubled.

After discussing this with another close friend on the phone (he hasn't seen me), one possible conclusion is that I no longer walk around smiling all the time. Maybe I don't have the motivation/desire to fake smile anymore. Maybe I don't  feel a smile inside anymore. In fact, today I tried to be smiley just for the sake of it, and it felt very forced and difficult. My other theory is that my anti-depressant or anxiety medicine are causing a "flat affect."

I kind of wonder if I'm damaged and I have given up. I am existing, waiting for the end.  Instead of waiting in expectation, I'm just sitting in silence, passing time until I die or the world ends. I really don't care which. I really don't care about much. Just my kids. There is no hope for the future. There is nothing to look forward to. There is no happiness to be found. Maybe now I've finally accepted my fate, instead of fighting for a better future, hoping for happiness, hoping for something to happen that will fill my heart. It was a nice dream while it lasted, I suppose. Don't even really care about that anymore either. whatever.

funeral

My mom died 5 days ago of cancer.
She was buried today.

I tried to take such good care of her. Nothing I could do could keep her here with me. I know it makes no sense, but I feel like some how I failed her because she died. I needed to tell her 100 more times that I loved her before she left. The millions of times I told her weren't enough. I hugged her and told her not be scared or sad, because God would take care of her, we will see each other again, I love her, and I will stay with her.

After she passed, she looked so peaceful. Just sleeping. Finally at peace, asleep, awaiting the promise of the resurrection. But that didn't make it any easier to watch her go in to the ground today. We'll be apart for just a little while, but until then I'll miss her.

I feel like a little girl who just wants her mommy.
I miss my mommy.

whisper of peace

I had a good day yesterday. I spent time away from everything. Hung out with people I never met before. I smiled and laughed more than I have in so so long. I had fun.

I'm just a silly girl, trying to find my way.

I think I may have found a way out of my... nervous/mental breakdown of sorts. I have secluded myself from the world. No television, no music, spending time think about things on my own. Trying to find the peace and quiet in my head. I'm okay with being lonesome. I have responsibilities to fulfill to many people. I have the sweetest 2 little boys in the whole world. I have God to talk to when I am lonely.

 That's all I need.

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep
But I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep
And miles to go before I sleep"

- Robert Frost

scars

There was this girl I used to know. She was unsure of herself, had no confidence.  She didn't think she was good enough, and she didn't know the goodness she had inside. She was filled with doubts and fears. She was cloaked in a sadness all the time... but somewhere underneath, she had a happy spirit and a warmth and a hope.

There was this boy I used to know. He took that girl and built her up. He gave her confidence. He made her feel good enough. He tried to erase those doubts and protect her from her fears. With her sadness fading away, her warmth became a glow around her more and more. Her happy spirit was able to blossom, and her hopes and dreams were filled with good things to come. Her sadness disappeared.

But one day (as these things often happen), the boy went away. He told her he did not want her anymore. He threw her away like trash - worthless and easy to toss aside. His false promises took her hopes and smashed them to a thousand pieces. His words that gave her confidence felt like lies. He extinguished her happy spirit. Her fears felt like realities.

The goodness she had was stripped away, and she was left alone to feel ashamed and abandoned and humiliated. Her happy spirit was suffocated out by the pain, and locked away with the rest of her emotions as a defense to preserve her life and the remnants of her sanity.

Somewhere the warmth she had is hiding beneath cold cinders and ash, withering and dying. Some days she wants it to go out completely.


You have no idea of the scars you've left behind.
I doubt you even care.

nightmares

I couldn't sleep last night. I was worrying about you. I don't know why, but I just wanted to know you were okay. Worried something was wrong. Should I ask and break the silence? Is there something wrong?  Was this a subconscious hint of sorts that I need to check on you? Or is it my broken mind looking for excuses to talk to you again?

3 weeks, 1 day

Its been 3 weeks and 1 day since I last spoke to you.

I offered my heart for you to have forever. I risked the life I know here for a chance to be happy.

but you told me, no.

I'm trying my best to make it through. Some days I feel like I can do this. Some days I wonder if I will always feel broken having lost you. A piece of me is missing.

"The one person I've ever loved so completely."

You said that to me once, and now I know what it means... to love completely.

I miss you so much. I feel empty. But here I am. This is the longest I've gone without speaking to you in almost 2 years, and I'm still alive. My body refuses to stop breathing.

Sometimes I wish it would stop breathing.

So on I'll go, surviving without you. Tears refuse to fall anymore for the boy who doesn't want me.

but my fragile little heart is having trouble finding a way to heal.

song rough draft

I hate music
can't watch TV
refuse to feel anything
because I'll feel you

abundant sunshine,
then cloudy days
between the clouds,
no more sun rays

tears on my bed,
tears on the floor
this place is drowning
sinking in loss


a Pony Tail Parade
want to hold your hand
but you'll find some one
someone better than me



my puzzle piece
a missing piece
something is gone
I feel incomplete


I gave my whole self
my body and soul
beautiful, ugliness
paint the canvas black

I hate that I love you
throw it away
risk my life for a smile
happiness is a curse

ease this suffering
endure through the pain
I don't want it anymore
please take it away

Grand Finale

He loves me, but he had let me go. I sent him one last letter, and here it is for all to read:

Once upon a time (a few years ago) I read a book. I'm not much of a reader, but I started listening to books on CD to help me stay awake while I'd drive to and from work. The librarian suggested a book called "Peony in Love." She said it was fantastic. Now, based on name of this book, it doesn't sound like anything I would read. I hate romance movies, and hate lovey dovey stories. For some reason I had always found those gushy stories annoying. I didn't like to hear about those stupid lovey emotions that are not real... But I was driving to work one day, and I didn't have one of my usual sciFi or suspense audio books, and so I turned on "Peony in Love." It talked a lot about traditional Chinese culture and beliefs. How girls must learn to be good wives, by playing an instrument, having well-bound tiny feet, carrying yourself with dignity, being a good cook, being able to do needle point, and entertaining guests. The bodies of the dead must be treated in a certain way so that the spirit can be at peace in the afterlife. The young girls were not allowed to even look at boys, so during social events, there was a curtain placed so that the girls and boys could sit on opposite sides of the large courtyard without seeing each other. 

During one such event, a young girl named Peony snuck off to another garden in her father's house, and there she met a boy who also had also snuck away from the main party. She fell in love. Peony was of the upper class chinese, and she was to have a husband picked for her by her parents. She was so in love with the boy she'd met, and so saddened by the thought that she would have to marry someone else, that she became "love sick." She had heard tales of other girls who became love sick. Some of them were forced to marry cruel or old or perhaps just boring men. The girls were sick with heartache and loss from being separated from the one they truly loved. Some of these girls became legends when they died of their love sickness. Peony feared who the husband may be that her parent's would pick. She missed her boy so much that it became hard to eat. She thought about him constantly. She played her instrument, she practiced her writing, she learned to cook and sew, but her heart was broken. Eventually she became so weak that she could not stand. Her love sickness became so bad that her family tried to expel demons, they tried to give her traditional herbal medicine, and they tried to force feed her.... but her heart was crushed and she would not eat, and so finally she died from her lovesickness. - never knowing that the boy she loved was the one her father had picked to be her husband.

Now after her death a ritual in her funeral ceremony was accidentally forgotten, and so her spirit could not rest. The spirits of the "love sick maidens," as Peony called them, could not go on to the next life. For these reasons, Peony became one of the "hungry ghosts" (the worst of all things!!) and had to eat rotten scraps from the street and never feel full. They were outcasts among the other spirits, and could only make it as far as a bridge to the next world, but never cross it. She haunted the love of her life in his home and his dreams. She made his future wives insane. Each wife died of her own sort of sickness of the heart (greed, selfishness, and insanity by Peony's haunting). None of them loved her boy as she loved him. And her boy... well, he was love sick too. He missed his Peony every day. He tried to move on with his life, but often he found comfort by visiting her spirit through dreams. As time passed, Peony realized that she had to let go of her love and let him find someone balanced for him, that would make him happy as she would have. Finally a 4th wife was chosen: a humble girl with discrete beauty and a good heart, who was also scared of who her husband may be. Peony loved her boy so much, that she knew now she must do the right thing: she decided to help the 4th wife love him, she guided their lives to happiness ...and then she let him go. She felt contentment that her boy - now a man- was finally happy too.

Today I feel like a love sick maiden. I had feelings for you from the beginning, but I kept them at bay for a while. I kept them hidden away, but somehow one day you became the boy I fell in love with. I felt a feeling that I've never felt before. I felt that lovey feeling that I hadn't thought existed. Its something that warms my heart so deeply that the thought of losing it gives me pain. I am getting better at staying numb, but its still constantly in the back of my mind. My love sickness and the additional anxieties of this world close in on me. Its hard to eat, I cant' sleep, and I don't want to love anyone but you.

I just know with all my heart that as soon as you are reinstated, God absolutely will reward you for your strength. He will bless you and answer all your prayers. Your family will rejoice and accept you back with so much love and joy. They will be so proud of you. You'll make good strong spiritual friends (not like some of the crazy bad influences around you now); true friends, who are positive influences, and friendships based on your common love for the truth. The girl that you've been waiting for will somehow appear at just the right moment, ready to complete your life and become part of your family. Like Peony, I want to sabotage her, I want to haunt her, I want to keep you to be mine... but the truth is, I'm supposed to let you go, and your eternal happiness will be waiting for you if I can stop being selfish like love sick Peony, and let you find true peace and happiness in harmony with God's standards.  

I want to ask you one last time. Will you give us the chance to be happy together always? No more secrets, no more guilt, together for all to see. But I don't think there is any point in asking. I've asked before, but not maybe in those words, and the answer is always the same. I don't want to hear the answer and feel my heart break again, So again, as always, I won't fully ask. As you've told me before, "its wrong" and "I want to look at things from God's standpoint."  You are correct. So I will endure my love sickness for the sake of righteousness. 1Peter 2:20 says, "But if, when YOU are doing good and YOU suffer, YOU endure it, this is a thing agreeable with God."  - If I choose to do the right thing, and I suffer, then my pain is pleasing to God.

I've been taking my medicine regularly now, so I feel like I'm in a waking dream. These medicines make me think in clouds. Maybe I'm just a harassing psycho girl, or maybe I'm a love sick hungry ghost, haunting you and keeping you from your happiness, but I don't want to be like Peony. I don't want to hurt you anymore for my selfishness, so I will endure, and you will be blessed for your strength. I know that He is with you, and therefore, everything will be okay.

plans

I am going through the motions of doing better. Maybe I am doing better... but I have plans in my head. A packed bag in my car. A date written on my calendar.

I wonder what will happen when this month is over. Will he contact me to see how I am doing? Will I break down and contact him? Will I lose my mind and drive off to see him?

I want to show up at his house, or work. I want to pretty myself up. I'll buy a cute dress. I'll text him and ask him where he is. Tell him I have a surprise. Tell him to go outside, and there I will be... waiting for him to be so surprised and happy, and run to hug me.

I think he'd hug me and be happy, but would he have come to his senses in these past few weeks and say I need to go home? I feel like even if he did, that I would have my answers and we could make a better break. I hate that we both want something we can't have. If one of us rejected the other, it would be like a real break up. Time to  heal and get over it. No more feeling like its just out of reach. It would be happy or be done.

I think I might... I think I might go. I'll buy my cute dress. I'll drive all day or all night. I'll get myself fixed up. I'll call him when I get there. I'll see if he will accept me. I will take the biggest risk of my life. maybe.

bitterness

        So I see these people who are in our situation (or at least very close to it). They did what we did. They decided to stay apart.... until yesterday. I saw them together. They told everyone. They said screw it! We love each other, shut up, we will be together. Yeah, they are facing some consequences.

        At first I was surprised, maybe shocked. Then I thought it was cute. Then I got really bitter and jealous. Why couldn't that be me? Why can't I have what I want? Why do I try to do the right thing all the time, and I struggle, and work hard, and take care of my family and those around me, and now I'm taking on a second job, and I suffer through heart ache, and I suffer through all these emotions, no relief, no help from anywhere, no understanding. Why don't I get to have my happily ever after?!?

       I've never felt bitter or jealous before. Not really. But yesterday I did. I even packed a bag. I put it in my car. I laughed to myself. It felt liberating. Its still sitting in my car. Waiting for me to take it to where ever I decide my destination might be.

        Then I thought about my responsibilities. I can't leave. I might leave. But I can't today. I wish you could come to see me. I don't want to put that hassle on you shoulders. I want to go to you. You are so far away. Ugh. I still feel bitter. Though I get better controlling my emotions, and my obvious display of constant sadness fades as far as anyone outside can see, I'm still not right.

        I had happily ever after in front of me. Is it too late now? Is my one chance gone?

        I am so jealous of them. All I want is a small piece of happiness on this earth to share with you. That is all I ask. That is all I want. I am fading. My hopes are fading. My sadness fades into uncaring and duty.

        So if you see me, and I seem happy, or I'm smiling... All I've done is paint a pretty coat of fresh pain over the rotting wall of my heart. On the outside I'm doing fine. On the inside, the scars will never completely fade.

addicted

I think I'm addicted to a person. ha ha

I'm totally going through withdrawal :( What in the world do I do?
I have the shakes, and the anxiety, and constantly thinking about him.

How do you fight an addiction?

He says he is mine, but really he's not.

I need help.

best friend

I saw something from over a year ago that got me remembering a lot of stuff. About the way things used to be... I remember how I looked forward to talking to you every week. How you made me laugh and smile, and how we talked about silly fun stuff. Nerdy video games, SciFi, and conspiracy. We wrote each other stories. You were always a knight to the rescue in my stories. I was always a damsel turned heroine in yours. You always built me up and I found value in myself for the first time in my life because of your kind words. Before everything got complicated, you were a good friend. More than just someone I would eventually fall in love with, you were my best friend. I miss my bestie so much. 

I sit here everyday not knowing what to do with myself. I go run, I clean the house, I play games with the kids, I play volleyball, I go to work... but I can't talk to you, and there's an empty spot where you used to be. I keep going through the motions, but its like there is nothing to look forward to. I used to look forward to talking to you, and the next time I'd see you. I wanted to look forward to more - to you being in my life, going on vacation together, grocery shopping, planting a garden together, playing those nerdy video games together, discovering everything there is to know about each other, snuggling, and kissing you when you get home from work. But instead, there's nothing. I can't fill the empty spot. What should someone look forward to when the love of their life is gone? 

But I don't want to be sad, so I'll just remember all the nice things and the sweet things and the happy things for now... until I can find a way to fill the empty place where my best friend used to be.

want

Everyone asks me what I want. I try not to think about it, because it doesn't matter.

There is what I should and should not do. There is responsibility and obligation and doing what's right.

But since everyone keeps asking, just this once I will answer:

        First of all, I just want to be happy. But if we are talking about dreaming big, my dreams aren't too big. They are pretty simple. I want a nice but moderate house. Not too big. Maybe even a bit small, but well taken care of, well made, and nicely decorated. I want this house on a decent amount of land - 10 acres minimum. I'd like 20 or 100acres, but that's not realistic... but hey, if this is my dream, then 100 it is! I want trees. lots of big tall trees. Maybe the land is wooded, but it wouldn't have to be, just have trees. I want a garden. I want to grow my own food. I want to work on the land with my husband. I want my husband to enjoy doing this with me. Maybe my husband in this story could even hunt and bring home dinner some days. I'm actually not much of a country girl. I'm a city girl who wants the quiet of the country. I want a place where my kids can go outside and run and play in the dirt and explore. Not next to a bunch of busy roads. Safe, and quiet. When I think about work, my mind keeps thinking of long hard days, but I keep forgetting this is MY dream. I can do what I want. Maybe I work only 6-8 hours, 3 days per week. I'll wake up early to make sure my husband has his coffee and breakfast. I'll kiss him good bye. I want my husband to miss me when we're apart. I want to take care of him, and he will take care of me. The days I have off will be spent in the garden, and running, and ministry. When I go to work, I want to be home before or at the same time as him. I'll pick some vegetables from the garden. We'll make dinner together, spend time together. Smile together. Every evening ending the same: kisses and snuggles and love. On weekends, I want to work out together in the morning. A Saturday morning run. Maybe we'll make a trail on our land. In the afternoon, I want to have plans on Saturdays. Have fun, go out to do something, or invite people over. Sundays, go to "church" in the mornings. Hold hands during prayer. Sing together. Be lazy together in the afternoon. Work in the yard/land. Sunday nights, watch our favorite TV show, then go to bed, wrapped up in love and feeling safe and warm.

But to have any part of this... That's all too much to ask I guess.

choose

When next I can talk to you, there is something I want to say:

Choose that you will be with me and live with the consequences... or let me go.
My heart is too broken without you.
If you can't be with me, then I have to try to heal it.
I can't keep holding on and enduring the pain.

Maybe when we talk again, I'll have changed my mind.

...but right now, this isn't fair to either one of us.

challenge

Conversations start again and again, no matter how we try to stay away. He worries about me. He wants me to leave with him, but says he can never ask that of me.

I worry about him. I want his family to approve. I want him to have happiness that comes from a complete life.

We have love so complete, intense, so happy... there are few who can understand.

I am his sunshine, his comfort, and obsession. He smiles every time he sees me.

He makes me feel beautiful, special, capable, feminine, and desired.

We know there are things more important than us. A bigger picture.

A challenge: one month no talking to each other. The longest we've gone is 3 weeks.

What will change in a month? Will we love each other all the same? Will the aching in my heart subside? Will I slowly lose the pure happiness and contentment I have when I think of him? Will time make him forget? He says he won't ever stop loving me. I say I won't either... but what do we know?

I dreamed about him last night. Half waking, half dreaming. I rolled over in bed. For a moment he was with me. I was sleeping in his bed. I saw his sleepy, smiling face. I wanted to get closer, wrap myself in his warmth, strength, and love. I smiled... then realized he wasn't there. I rolled away from where I thought he was, realizing I was in my own bed. Closed my eyes again, and tried to go back to sleep, knowing my love wasn't with me.

I took all his pictures, all our conversations... I put them away in a box. It sits in the back of my closet. A small glowing ember of our love. Will it cool and burn out? Or will it smolder quietly until it ignites and my house goes up in flames?

what will be in one month?

fed up

I'm about over this.

Why do I have to do what I'm told and let my happiness suffer?

Why do I sacrifice myself to the point of breaking for the sake of others - to make them happy - and no one has any consideration for what makes me happy?

Why don't I matter??

I'm in love with a boy who loves me back.

I should be able to have that love.

They tell me I can't speak to him ever again.

I've said this hundreds of times now, but I really can't take much more of this.

I'm fed up.

date night

Tried to go on a date with someone

It didn't work out so well.

I don't want to hold someone else's hand.
I don't want to be close to someone else.
I only want "him."

not ready.

everyone tells me to get over it and thinks I should be over it by now.

can't

there was something between us that doesn't come around very often.

not sure how to describe it, but its not easy to forget.

I'll try to get back to normal, but I'm not sure what that means.

I just keep trying.

but I wonder if it will ever go away.

Will it always be there, somewhere nagging in my heart?

unexpected reminders

It seems he can't stay away any better than I can.

He sent me an email this morning. At first i was excited, but I knew he wasn't supposed to send it. No more contact: we had agreed upon that. He wrote me a story because today is my birthday. The story said 31  years ago today a girl was born, her qualities refined by the hardships in her life, like coal into diamonds... and "she" grew up into a kind, beautiful princess.

all I said was "thank you." I didn't know if I should respond or what else to say. I couldn't say I love you and I miss you. I couldn't start the conversations again. I can't go through feeling like I have to lose him over and over again, the next time he says we have to stop talking.

He responded. He told me to have a good day.

I didn't answer him that time. I wanted to, but knew I shouldn't. I didnt start the comunication.

I was feeling pretty proud of myself for staying strong. I'm not usually the one who can resist opening up conversation. I suppose I shouldn't be too proud, since I did say thank you, but it was progress for me.

Evening came and I went to work my usual night shift. I felt okay. I felt empty, but stable. Later in the night, I went to check my cell phone. I clicked on my picture gallery accidentally and there were 2 pictures staring me in the face. Pictures of the boy I love so much, eventhough I thought I erased them. I thought they were all gone off the computer and phone. I thought I took everything and placed it in a box in my closet. I didn't want any unexpected reminders... and yet these 2 pictures appeared out of nowhere to taunt my broken soul.

My heart began to hurt. I stared at them for a minute, then turned off my phone. I miss him.

It pulled back memories of how his touch felt, his lips, his face, his tenderness. No, don't think about that any more. Must channel the emptiness.

good bye for now

We started talking again. Its the only thing that makes me better. You said you needed me to calm you. You said I am the only thing that can calm you. Just seeing me and talking to me makes you better. And again, we decided there is to be no more. Not good bye forever. Just for now, until that day sometime in the far future when I run in to you again accidentally in a crowd. Like we did that fall, after 10 years not seeing each other.

I can't even explain the happiness you bring me. Can't explain everything that's been going on to someone who might read this blog. Those who know what is going on don't even know the whole story.

I know these things to be true:
* You love me in every way and want me to be your wife.
* I love you, and if you asked me to be yours forever, I would say yes.
* Our families and our situation won't let us be together, and you have to go away... again.
* I have to not speak to you any more.

I'm not strong enough to endure. Here I am: empty shell. No sunshine without you. I am going to choose today to follow the path that has been chosen for me. The only way for me to survive is to be hollow again inside. There is no other way. I bury myself to survive. Not even sure if I want to survive.

I will do this because I'm told it is the right thing to do.
I will do this for you, the boy I love, so that you can get over it all and heal.
I will do this for my family.
Most of all, I will do this to try to please God, whom I have failed with my shortcomings.

I failed everyone.

I have to tell myself I do not matter. I do not matter at all. I am unimportant. I am not a good person. I am inconsequential to the bigger picture. My happiness is worthless and selfish. I have been incredibly selfish.. I will do what I'm told.

But don't expect me to smile. The love of my life has been torn away from me. I am in pain. I have tried my entire life to make everyone else happy and live up to their standards and be perfect. I just wanted this one thing. I just wanted to be happy. Happiness is selfishness. Its not real. Its a lie.

I will continue through the motions of life, and wait to die, but at least I'll die doing whats right.

little things

Little things pop in to my head at strange times. The way your hair felt when I put my fingers through it. Your lips, the way you kissed me. I used to wish I knew what it was like to hold your hand, and now I know, and I miss it. I miss talking to you so much sometimes. I just don't know what to do.

I feel unstable today. I feel like I might do something crazy. I might just leave everything and go be with you. Would you accept me? Would we live happily ever after? Would I regret? I love you so much.

dream

I had a dream that I was at work... caring for a little baby in the hospital. They told me I had to go to a medical conference to get something for the baby. I was looking for something, but I can't remember what. I walked in to this big lecture hall where someone was speaking. I went and found an empty seat and sat down... next to you.  In my dream, however, I didn't know who you were. I whispered a question to you. You whispered back. We started talking quietly as the speaker continued in the background. You were smiling at me. Even though I didn't know who you were in my dream, I felt happy and knew you were going to be my best friend. You reached over and hugged me, and said "I love you" with a big smile.

I woke up, and you weren't there for me to hug back.

anger

Two days ago I felt myself becoming irritable.

Yesterday, I was short and snappy.

Today I know why. My old coping mechanisms coming back to save me from pain.

I feel my connection to life dissipating. My ability to smile has completely turned off. My sadness is shoved somewhere down in a black hole in my chest. I keep telling myself it doesn't matter, and I don't matter. As long as I fulfill the responsibilities that I have in my life, then how I feel doesn't matter, and no one cares. And I don't care because I don't matter. I'm fine with that. I'm worthless. Always have been. Shouldn't have lied to myself about it. Shouldn't have ever let myself feel again. Shouldn't have let anyone in and let myself be happy. That was a horrible idea. Now I know what it feels like, and I'm completely ANGRY that I have to be this way instead. That's all I have left of my emotions. Just anger and resentment because I don't matter. I should kill those emotions too, so I can be a robot again - a Stepford Wife. Appearing on the outside to be well put together and efficient... but empty inside. 

last night

Last night I felt the weight of my actions.

I felt the hurt I caused people in my life.

I felt the hurt I caused you.

I feel like there is no forgiveness for someone like me.

I feel my tears running down my face.

I feel the beat of my heart in my wrists.

my radial artery pulsing, begging to be cut open and pour out my sadness and regret until I feel nothing at all.

i feel weird

Cant explain it. The pain lessens, but you are still always with me. Everything I see, everything I do, I want to tell you about it. I want to show you. I want you to laugh and smile with me when I smile. I want you to comfort me. I want to feel safe in your love. I know it can't happen. ever. never again. Things keep on getting more complicated. Can we come out the other end of this okay? Unscathed? Friends and family who don't know what's going on can tell I'm different now. I have no desire to talk to anyone. I don't want to play piano or guitar or sing. I don't want to go running or watch TV. I don't want to feel anything anymore. I'm done with sadness, and I'm done with emotion. I don't even want to get out of bed. I don't feel connected to anything anymore. Just going through the motions, doing what I'm supposed to do, fulfilling my responsibilities, trying to find the empty feeling again that allows me to continue breathing. As long as I can find it again, I'll survive. I sit in my paralyzed condition, waiting for the end.

always

I broke down. I contacted him.

My sadness was drowning me.

He misses me as much as I miss him.

He still loves me.

He will love me always.

It is good to know that someone still cares and that I'm not easily forgotten.

It is good to feel loved and special.

Comforting, but sad in a different way, because we are still apart.

Will most likely always be apart.

But he said he replays every memory and doesn't ever want to forget me.

His biggest fear is that I will forget him... or even regret him.

Some memories will fade, but I never will forget completely.

Maybe I regret circumstances, but never that I was able to know someone so beautiful inside and out.

I do not ever want to regret loving someone and being loved so sweetly.

We had something so wonderful, most people will not understand.

but that is okay, because what we had does not come around everyday.

It makes it that much more special.

bruised

I've had a rough time lately. I still feel bruised all over every day. Maybe I'm just impatient with this process. When I'm able to sleep, I can forget about stuff for a little while... but every day when I wake up, I remember my best friend is gone and feel sad again. Can you just tell me that you are fine, and everything is getting better for you, and you are much better off without me? I just want to be better, and maybe if you are, then I can get on with it. Please tell me its all going to be okay.

let me sleep

What am i supposed to do with myself?

i try to sleep away the pain.

But after sleeping for days, i can't seem to sleep anymore.

Laying in bed in the dark is too quiet, too lonely.

When i wake up, i sit and don't know what to do with myself.

i don't have anything to look forward to.

There is nothing to look forward to but more emptiness.

The things i enjoy have no appeal.

Moving at all feels like too much effort.

I can't live every day crying over this loss.

The loss of something more beautiful than i knew existed.

Lost.

i'm lost.

i just want to sleep.

please let me sleep.

if I drove all night

If I drove all night to you, if I showed up at your house, on your doorstep...

Would you tell me to turn around and go back home?

Or would you tell me you still love me, and ask me to stay?

losing my mind

the pain started to ease. slowly.
It took a week to get to that point - where it didn't feel acutely painful.
I even had one day that I felt like things would get better.

... but today I think I've gone entirely crazy.

I hadn't had a period since we were together. I was about 5 days late. At first I was freaked out, scared. But somehow - in my messed up, brokenhearted mind - if I were pregnant, I wouldn't have lost you completely. I'd be able to talk to you just one more time, to tell you. Even if you never wanted to see me again. Even if you wanted nothing to do with me or the baby, I'd have a part of you. It somehow gave me hope.

Today I started that dreaded monthly awfulness. (I know: Too Much Information)
And my heart is broken all over again... because I've lost you and I have no hope, no reason, no excuse to hold on to having one more moment with you. Not even one phone call.

and there is no one I can talk to about it.
there is no one who would understand.
no one to turn to

I don't even think I can pray to God. I want all the wrong things. I've worn his patience thin, and I can't ask him to help me with something that I know could ruin your life. I pray without words. I don't know what to ask for. He's all I have left, and I'm scared he will leave me as well.

I still love you.
I don't know how to let go.
I don't know how to get over someone who I know still loves me too.

I just want to hear you tell me everything will be okay.

pain

The worst pain I've ever felt in my life.

You are so kind to me.

You want to build me up at all times, and did so every day.

You were the sunshine, the happiness in every day. I'm not sure how to smile without you.

You were a protector of my heart and my self image.

You were a head to my spirtuality.

You inspired me to do better, and be better in my prayer and study.

To know that we can never speak again feels like too much to comprehend, too much to bear

work

Working night shift. Distraction helping. Feelings more numb.

Thank you for hearing my prayers. For granting the peace I needed.

I fear going to sleep in the morning. Will the pain become fresh again?

Will I wake up with the pain in my heart tearing me apart?

first day without you

Every moment is excruiating.

 Constant panic attack in my chest, heart racing. Can't sleep. Every time I close my eyes, my feelings play like cruel songs in my head, that hurt me even more. I wake up over and over to stabbing in my chest. Crying every time I think of you.

I didn't know this would be so bad. Praying for some of the pain to be taken away ... to be given the correct perspective. I don't feel like I can bear this hurt. Praying for time to dull the sting.

My house feels so empty without you to look forward to, and without you to talk to

remember

I don't want to forget anything. I don't want to forget the love of my life.

He has dark soft messy hair that I find adorable. He cuts his own hair with scissors.

Dry skin, manly shape, thick legs, muscular arms, but not too big. Just right. He's strong, solid.

The strongest, most loving hugs, and he loves to snuggle.  He says he's big spoon, and I'm little spoon.

When he goes to bed at night, he always says he is saving my place, puts his arms in a fake hug, with a space in the middle, and says that's where I'm supposed to be.

I gave him the present he asked for. He said he was sleeping with it.

He has thick hands, soft, and a calloused "bitey spot" on his ring finger. He said he bites it when he's nervous or stressed.

He likes smells. the smell of the girl he loves. He says he memorizes, remembers by smell. I think its funny, he wants to smell armpits. haha. mine, anyways. ha. But I didn't mind, because he was mine. I hope I never forget his smell, but I know time will make it fade.

(hurts to remember, but must write before I forget)

His cheeks dry too, but wonderful. Says he can't grow facial hair on his cheeks, only his chin and mustache. Cute scraggly side burns. He calls it "jew curl." I hate that he says Jew, but its him. I love him.

He loves his parents. His parents are so nice. They love their son. They visit each other and he lives only 10-20 minutes away from all of his family.

When he was young, his dad would say every morning, "A NEWWWW DAAAAYYY HAS DAWWWWWNED" in a deep voice to wake him up. His mom would come sit by his bed with a cup of coffee and ask about his dreams.

We have so much in common. So many parallels in our lives. Interests, opinions, events, the same car. You said I am the female reflection of you. That's why we fit together so well.

When ever I was feeling down, you'd never let me stay that way. You would smile. Act silly, dance your terribly silly dances and make your faces. Every time you smiled, it was infectious. I couldn't not smile.

I love your faces.  You thinking face, your JD face, your silly crooked smile face, even when you were sick, so cute. Just wanted to kiss it. The face you made when you were trying to act serious, and not let the people at your work know you were smiling because you were talking to me. And best of all... I could always see the change in expression when you'd look back over to me on the computer. Your eyes would light up, and your face would change, happy. I could see it every time. Happy because you were looking at me.

You said I calm you. When you are anxious or upset, I calm you. You said just seeing my face made your day better. Even the day we ended things, you said that you were waiting for me to get online, because you needed me to calm you, and I did. Seeing me made you happy every time. I love that I could do that for you.

Any hint of doubt I displayed, you would immediately tell me about all the things you felt were wonderful in me. Lists and lists of positive qualities that you believed I have, and that I am beautiful. After a while, I believed all the things you told me. You made me feel good about myself and who I am. Warmed my heart. Made me love you even more.

You said that I made you feel amazing. That no one has ever made you feel the way I did. I made you believe that you were wonderful, handsome, smart, spiritual, a great person... because you are. No one is better. You're the best man I've ever met, and I told you that. Always believe that about yourself.

You said Jack Johnson's "Angel" was about me. That I give you presents, with my presence alone. You'd get the next part wrong sometimes, but I loved that you'd say, I had a smile that could melt your heart. And how you knew if we were together, I'd give you kisses on the lips, just for coming home.

The first time I kissed you. I was so nervous to be next to you, I tried to kiss you on the cheek, but you turned your head at the last minute. ha. sweet kisses after that. Had breakfast together and then had fun at museum. Played in the exhibits like kids.

The next time I saw you, kisses were passionate, perfect, wonderful. Your face when I was with you, sweetest, most handsome, heart warming thing I've ever seen. I felt like I fit just right in your arms. Your mouth, soft and amazing. Your hands, gentle and sweet. Not timid like I thought you'd be. So comfortable with each other. I didn't feel self conscious at all, just wonderful, by your side.

And its over now.

You said yesterday you wish that somehow we had married years ago, and had our own kids together.

You talked many times about how you wish you could have a time machine, and go back and marry me. I told you maybe it wouldn't have worked out. That we are the people we are today, because of the past. And although I think we are perfect for each other now, to change that may have ruined what we have today.

Now guilt.

I feel like I ruined what we had. It was wrong even when it was innocent. I love you so much that I didn't care at the time. At first I said I don't regret sharing myself with you. I still don't completely, but I regret the effects that has had on you, and wish I could take it back. Things would have gone on longer. But they shouldn't have gone on longer. It should have ended before I was madly in love with you. Before I felt like I couldn't live without you. Before I knew with all my heart that you were the love of my life and no one else would ever compare. You love me so much, and even though part of me wants to end up with you still, and I never want you to share the love we had with anyone else... I want you to be happy. Find the girl that can be your happily ever after, and be blessed with all the things you deserve.

gone

My heart is broken

No words to explain the pain in my chest.

No comfort anywhere, in anything.

I understand why, but it doesn't stop it from hurting. It hurts so bad.

Tears pouring from eyes, won't stop. Don't want them to stop.

And yet I know he still loves me, but he left.

He said, "I love you more completely than I've ever loved anyone."

And then he said goodbye.

Hear me please, Jehovah God. Please see that this was so hard,
and grant forgiveness one day because we'd do this for you, God.

Only our love for You could make me accept this pain.

I'm sorry for what I've done.  I'm sorry that I still want it.

Forgive me for hurting the person I love.

Please heal him. Give him a good life.

Give him blessings for his strength and courage to do whats right.

Please don't be angry at me for having a broken heart.

It hurts so much. More than I can bear.

Anxiety overwhelming me.

Sobbing ... no words.

Just sobbing and hurt and broken ... and guilt.

What have I done?

Why did I do this to him and You?

I'm so so sorry.

The blur of tears as I try to type out my feelings.

Trying to ease the pain... but the tears keep falling, faster and harder

heartache choking me in my chest and throat

I hadn't allowed myself to feel, to cry.
I've held it in, but I can't anymore.

Just want to sob myself to sleep and never wake up.

I don't deserve to wake up.

I don't want to wake up and remember he is gone again.

exhaustion

Depression that has been gone far too long, creeping back into my head. Exhaustion overwhelming my rational brain. Hardly any sleep in days. 2 hours yesterday and 2 hours today. Feeling like I'm about to collapse. My body is going to give out. I hope it does give out. Too many burdens to bear on my own.

Doubting my entire existence. I want to find somewhere dark and warm to fall asleep and never wake up. Heart aching, my tears held back as of yet. Playing my sorrows on the piano, a lullaby to soothe and punish me. Music running through my heart. Cutting is calling to me. How horrible is that. I can admit that, but I can't admit what else I hide. I'm lost. so lost. I don't know how to get back.

Sleep. I should sleep. When my eyes open, a new day will be there. Perhaps with a clearer view of what is in store for me. My miserable failures will look brighter. Tomorrow maybe I'll believe the sweet words that today feel forced from you.

Overwhelming. Tears that I can't cry, trying to push through. I won't let them.

Go. Get up. suck it up. I am stronger than this!

I am weak, and I won't admit that I need help. I don't even know who to ask for help. Who would want to help me? Just kick me while I'm down. My boy that I love, I can't ask any more of you than I have already. The ones I am supposed to rely on don't help me. They can never know my heart is torn to pieces by love, or guilt and shame. I will be abandoned by everyone. That would be it. Nothing left to live for. Nothing but death waiting for me, and that doesn't sound so bad right now.

together

Our day together.

I pulled up in my car, and you were waiting outside. You looked so handsome, I couldn't contain my ridiculously huge smile. Happiness just pouring out of me. Your smile was just as big, and you stared at me with such an excitement and that I had to look away, feeling shy. You hugged me. It felt like home in your arms. calming and wonderful. We went inside and sat down on the couch.

The best 14 hours ever. Dinner, talking, enjoying each other's company. Stayed up all night. I can't even explain how great it was. Time passed too quickly. No more reading messages that say you love me. I saw it on your face, heard the words, felt it. Happiness, wrapped up in each other's arms.

In the morning I had to leave. Had to go back to my life away from you. You had a flight to catch. We wouldn't be able to talk for a couple days. A few messages, but not a lot.

In a few hours, you'll be home, I will be home, and we will talk. After being able to see each other, spend time together in person, I wonder if things will change. Will things be stronger between us? You said it will be harder for us to be apart. I wonder if you feel that way. I wonder if I was everything you hoped for. I hope I didn't disappoint you. You were everything I hoped for and more. I told you that I love you, out loud, looking in your eyes. That's a big deal for me. I didn't think I could do that, but I did without fear.

I miss you.

3 more days

We had a spat today, just momentarily. It was hard on you to see everyone in your family with their kids, girl friends, fiance's, wives. You were there alone. You want to have a wife and children too. But you are stuck in limbo with me instead.

I want you to be able to have a girlfriend you can show your family. I want to be her. Plan our family together. I know you want that too... but we can't. I told you I don't want to be in the way of you finding real happiness with someone. I want you to have everything you deserve. I know what I am. I know I'm pretend. I know you can't have real happiness with me.

You told me that I was your happiness. You said I am real. I give you real happiness, real confidence, real love, and you would have turmoil inside without me.

Only 3 more days until I see you.  Should I even go?  I want to so much, but I just feel weird. There is no other word for it. You kept trying to reassure me over and over, but I know this situation is hard on you.  Its okay. I understand. You don't have to try to cheer me up. You said there is no one else in your life, and you don't want anyone else, but I can't help but think you might be happier ... one day ... without me.

secrets

Someone confided in me. Her secret is eerily similar to ours. I told her my secret. I told her I love you. She told me her story, and how it didn't turn out how she thought it would. She told me how she loves her T. How T is trying to protect her, but her heart is aching, because his protection came in the form of him leaving her.

I wonder if everything between us came to light, if you would fight for me? Am I worth fighting for? Or would we listen to the concerned counsel of those who don't have broken hearts, and reluctantly leave each other behind?

feels like good days ahead

You are the best thing that's ever happened to me. You inspire me to do the things I always wanted to do but was too scared to do, to challenge myself to be better. You care when I feel like I'm lacking and pick me back up. I can't wait to see you. 3 weeks. We planned it. Just 3 weeks, and I'll have you all to myself for a few hours. I hope like 12 hours! We'll see. I'll take what I can get. I love you.