whisper of peace

I had a good day yesterday. I spent time away from everything. Hung out with people I never met before. I smiled and laughed more than I have in so so long. I had fun.

I'm just a silly girl, trying to find my way.

I think I may have found a way out of my... nervous/mental breakdown of sorts. I have secluded myself from the world. No television, no music, spending time think about things on my own. Trying to find the peace and quiet in my head. I'm okay with being lonesome. I have responsibilities to fulfill to many people. I have the sweetest 2 little boys in the whole world. I have God to talk to when I am lonely.

 That's all I need.

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep
But I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep
And miles to go before I sleep"

- Robert Frost

scars

There was this girl I used to know. She was unsure of herself, had no confidence.  She didn't think she was good enough, and she didn't know the goodness she had inside. She was filled with doubts and fears. She was cloaked in a sadness all the time... but somewhere underneath, she had a happy spirit and a warmth and a hope.

There was this boy I used to know. He took that girl and built her up. He gave her confidence. He made her feel good enough. He tried to erase those doubts and protect her from her fears. With her sadness fading away, her warmth became a glow around her more and more. Her happy spirit was able to blossom, and her hopes and dreams were filled with good things to come. Her sadness disappeared.

But one day (as these things often happen), the boy went away. He told her he did not want her anymore. He threw her away like trash - worthless and easy to toss aside. His false promises took her hopes and smashed them to a thousand pieces. His words that gave her confidence felt like lies. He extinguished her happy spirit. Her fears felt like realities.

The goodness she had was stripped away, and she was left alone to feel ashamed and abandoned and humiliated. Her happy spirit was suffocated out by the pain, and locked away with the rest of her emotions as a defense to preserve her life and the remnants of her sanity.

Somewhere the warmth she had is hiding beneath cold cinders and ash, withering and dying. Some days she wants it to go out completely.


You have no idea of the scars you've left behind.
I doubt you even care.

nightmares

I couldn't sleep last night. I was worrying about you. I don't know why, but I just wanted to know you were okay. Worried something was wrong. Should I ask and break the silence? Is there something wrong?  Was this a subconscious hint of sorts that I need to check on you? Or is it my broken mind looking for excuses to talk to you again?

3 weeks, 1 day

Its been 3 weeks and 1 day since I last spoke to you.

I offered my heart for you to have forever. I risked the life I know here for a chance to be happy.

but you told me, no.

I'm trying my best to make it through. Some days I feel like I can do this. Some days I wonder if I will always feel broken having lost you. A piece of me is missing.

"The one person I've ever loved so completely."

You said that to me once, and now I know what it means... to love completely.

I miss you so much. I feel empty. But here I am. This is the longest I've gone without speaking to you in almost 2 years, and I'm still alive. My body refuses to stop breathing.

Sometimes I wish it would stop breathing.

So on I'll go, surviving without you. Tears refuse to fall anymore for the boy who doesn't want me.

but my fragile little heart is having trouble finding a way to heal.