exhaustion

Depression that has been gone far too long, creeping back into my head. Exhaustion overwhelming my rational brain. Hardly any sleep in days. 2 hours yesterday and 2 hours today. Feeling like I'm about to collapse. My body is going to give out. I hope it does give out. Too many burdens to bear on my own.

Doubting my entire existence. I want to find somewhere dark and warm to fall asleep and never wake up. Heart aching, my tears held back as of yet. Playing my sorrows on the piano, a lullaby to soothe and punish me. Music running through my heart. Cutting is calling to me. How horrible is that. I can admit that, but I can't admit what else I hide. I'm lost. so lost. I don't know how to get back.

Sleep. I should sleep. When my eyes open, a new day will be there. Perhaps with a clearer view of what is in store for me. My miserable failures will look brighter. Tomorrow maybe I'll believe the sweet words that today feel forced from you.

Overwhelming. Tears that I can't cry, trying to push through. I won't let them.

Go. Get up. suck it up. I am stronger than this!

I am weak, and I won't admit that I need help. I don't even know who to ask for help. Who would want to help me? Just kick me while I'm down. My boy that I love, I can't ask any more of you than I have already. The ones I am supposed to rely on don't help me. They can never know my heart is torn to pieces by love, or guilt and shame. I will be abandoned by everyone. That would be it. Nothing left to live for. Nothing but death waiting for me, and that doesn't sound so bad right now.