Grand Finale

He loves me, but he had let me go. I sent him one last letter, and here it is for all to read:

Once upon a time (a few years ago) I read a book. I'm not much of a reader, but I started listening to books on CD to help me stay awake while I'd drive to and from work. The librarian suggested a book called "Peony in Love." She said it was fantastic. Now, based on name of this book, it doesn't sound like anything I would read. I hate romance movies, and hate lovey dovey stories. For some reason I had always found those gushy stories annoying. I didn't like to hear about those stupid lovey emotions that are not real... But I was driving to work one day, and I didn't have one of my usual sciFi or suspense audio books, and so I turned on "Peony in Love." It talked a lot about traditional Chinese culture and beliefs. How girls must learn to be good wives, by playing an instrument, having well-bound tiny feet, carrying yourself with dignity, being a good cook, being able to do needle point, and entertaining guests. The bodies of the dead must be treated in a certain way so that the spirit can be at peace in the afterlife. The young girls were not allowed to even look at boys, so during social events, there was a curtain placed so that the girls and boys could sit on opposite sides of the large courtyard without seeing each other. 

During one such event, a young girl named Peony snuck off to another garden in her father's house, and there she met a boy who also had also snuck away from the main party. She fell in love. Peony was of the upper class chinese, and she was to have a husband picked for her by her parents. She was so in love with the boy she'd met, and so saddened by the thought that she would have to marry someone else, that she became "love sick." She had heard tales of other girls who became love sick. Some of them were forced to marry cruel or old or perhaps just boring men. The girls were sick with heartache and loss from being separated from the one they truly loved. Some of these girls became legends when they died of their love sickness. Peony feared who the husband may be that her parent's would pick. She missed her boy so much that it became hard to eat. She thought about him constantly. She played her instrument, she practiced her writing, she learned to cook and sew, but her heart was broken. Eventually she became so weak that she could not stand. Her love sickness became so bad that her family tried to expel demons, they tried to give her traditional herbal medicine, and they tried to force feed her.... but her heart was crushed and she would not eat, and so finally she died from her lovesickness. - never knowing that the boy she loved was the one her father had picked to be her husband.

Now after her death a ritual in her funeral ceremony was accidentally forgotten, and so her spirit could not rest. The spirits of the "love sick maidens," as Peony called them, could not go on to the next life. For these reasons, Peony became one of the "hungry ghosts" (the worst of all things!!) and had to eat rotten scraps from the street and never feel full. They were outcasts among the other spirits, and could only make it as far as a bridge to the next world, but never cross it. She haunted the love of her life in his home and his dreams. She made his future wives insane. Each wife died of her own sort of sickness of the heart (greed, selfishness, and insanity by Peony's haunting). None of them loved her boy as she loved him. And her boy... well, he was love sick too. He missed his Peony every day. He tried to move on with his life, but often he found comfort by visiting her spirit through dreams. As time passed, Peony realized that she had to let go of her love and let him find someone balanced for him, that would make him happy as she would have. Finally a 4th wife was chosen: a humble girl with discrete beauty and a good heart, who was also scared of who her husband may be. Peony loved her boy so much, that she knew now she must do the right thing: she decided to help the 4th wife love him, she guided their lives to happiness ...and then she let him go. She felt contentment that her boy - now a man- was finally happy too.

Today I feel like a love sick maiden. I had feelings for you from the beginning, but I kept them at bay for a while. I kept them hidden away, but somehow one day you became the boy I fell in love with. I felt a feeling that I've never felt before. I felt that lovey feeling that I hadn't thought existed. Its something that warms my heart so deeply that the thought of losing it gives me pain. I am getting better at staying numb, but its still constantly in the back of my mind. My love sickness and the additional anxieties of this world close in on me. Its hard to eat, I cant' sleep, and I don't want to love anyone but you.

I just know with all my heart that as soon as you are reinstated, God absolutely will reward you for your strength. He will bless you and answer all your prayers. Your family will rejoice and accept you back with so much love and joy. They will be so proud of you. You'll make good strong spiritual friends (not like some of the crazy bad influences around you now); true friends, who are positive influences, and friendships based on your common love for the truth. The girl that you've been waiting for will somehow appear at just the right moment, ready to complete your life and become part of your family. Like Peony, I want to sabotage her, I want to haunt her, I want to keep you to be mine... but the truth is, I'm supposed to let you go, and your eternal happiness will be waiting for you if I can stop being selfish like love sick Peony, and let you find true peace and happiness in harmony with God's standards.  

I want to ask you one last time. Will you give us the chance to be happy together always? No more secrets, no more guilt, together for all to see. But I don't think there is any point in asking. I've asked before, but not maybe in those words, and the answer is always the same. I don't want to hear the answer and feel my heart break again, So again, as always, I won't fully ask. As you've told me before, "its wrong" and "I want to look at things from God's standpoint."  You are correct. So I will endure my love sickness for the sake of righteousness. 1Peter 2:20 says, "But if, when YOU are doing good and YOU suffer, YOU endure it, this is a thing agreeable with God."  - If I choose to do the right thing, and I suffer, then my pain is pleasing to God.

I've been taking my medicine regularly now, so I feel like I'm in a waking dream. These medicines make me think in clouds. Maybe I'm just a harassing psycho girl, or maybe I'm a love sick hungry ghost, haunting you and keeping you from your happiness, but I don't want to be like Peony. I don't want to hurt you anymore for my selfishness, so I will endure, and you will be blessed for your strength. I know that He is with you, and therefore, everything will be okay.