plans

I am going through the motions of doing better. Maybe I am doing better... but I have plans in my head. A packed bag in my car. A date written on my calendar.

I wonder what will happen when this month is over. Will he contact me to see how I am doing? Will I break down and contact him? Will I lose my mind and drive off to see him?

I want to show up at his house, or work. I want to pretty myself up. I'll buy a cute dress. I'll text him and ask him where he is. Tell him I have a surprise. Tell him to go outside, and there I will be... waiting for him to be so surprised and happy, and run to hug me.

I think he'd hug me and be happy, but would he have come to his senses in these past few weeks and say I need to go home? I feel like even if he did, that I would have my answers and we could make a better break. I hate that we both want something we can't have. If one of us rejected the other, it would be like a real break up. Time to  heal and get over it. No more feeling like its just out of reach. It would be happy or be done.

I think I might... I think I might go. I'll buy my cute dress. I'll drive all day or all night. I'll get myself fixed up. I'll call him when I get there. I'll see if he will accept me. I will take the biggest risk of my life. maybe.