the pain started to ease. slowly.
It took a week to get to that point - where it didn't feel acutely painful.
I even had one day that I felt like things would get better.
... but today I think I've gone entirely crazy.
I hadn't had a period since we were together. I was about 5 days late. At first I was freaked out, scared. But somehow - in my messed up, brokenhearted mind - if I were pregnant, I wouldn't have lost you completely. I'd be able to talk to you just one more time, to tell you. Even if you never wanted to see me again. Even if you wanted nothing to do with me or the baby, I'd have a part of you. It somehow gave me hope.
Today I started that dreaded monthly awfulness. (I know: Too Much Information)
And my heart is broken all over again... because I've lost you and I have no hope, no reason, no excuse to hold on to having one more moment with you. Not even one phone call.
and there is no one I can talk to about it.
there is no one who would understand.
no one to turn to
I don't even think I can pray to God. I want all the wrong things. I've worn his patience thin, and I can't ask him to help me with something that I know could ruin your life. I pray without words. I don't know what to ask for. He's all I have left, and I'm scared he will leave me as well.
I still love you.
I don't know how to let go.
I don't know how to get over someone who I know still loves me too.
I just want to hear you tell me everything will be okay.
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