remember

I don't want to forget anything. I don't want to forget the love of my life.

He has dark soft messy hair that I find adorable. He cuts his own hair with scissors.

Dry skin, manly shape, thick legs, muscular arms, but not too big. Just right. He's strong, solid.

The strongest, most loving hugs, and he loves to snuggle.  He says he's big spoon, and I'm little spoon.

When he goes to bed at night, he always says he is saving my place, puts his arms in a fake hug, with a space in the middle, and says that's where I'm supposed to be.

I gave him the present he asked for. He said he was sleeping with it.

He has thick hands, soft, and a calloused "bitey spot" on his ring finger. He said he bites it when he's nervous or stressed.

He likes smells. the smell of the girl he loves. He says he memorizes, remembers by smell. I think its funny, he wants to smell armpits. haha. mine, anyways. ha. But I didn't mind, because he was mine. I hope I never forget his smell, but I know time will make it fade.

(hurts to remember, but must write before I forget)

His cheeks dry too, but wonderful. Says he can't grow facial hair on his cheeks, only his chin and mustache. Cute scraggly side burns. He calls it "jew curl." I hate that he says Jew, but its him. I love him.

He loves his parents. His parents are so nice. They love their son. They visit each other and he lives only 10-20 minutes away from all of his family.

When he was young, his dad would say every morning, "A NEWWWW DAAAAYYY HAS DAWWWWWNED" in a deep voice to wake him up. His mom would come sit by his bed with a cup of coffee and ask about his dreams.

We have so much in common. So many parallels in our lives. Interests, opinions, events, the same car. You said I am the female reflection of you. That's why we fit together so well.

When ever I was feeling down, you'd never let me stay that way. You would smile. Act silly, dance your terribly silly dances and make your faces. Every time you smiled, it was infectious. I couldn't not smile.

I love your faces.  You thinking face, your JD face, your silly crooked smile face, even when you were sick, so cute. Just wanted to kiss it. The face you made when you were trying to act serious, and not let the people at your work know you were smiling because you were talking to me. And best of all... I could always see the change in expression when you'd look back over to me on the computer. Your eyes would light up, and your face would change, happy. I could see it every time. Happy because you were looking at me.

You said I calm you. When you are anxious or upset, I calm you. You said just seeing my face made your day better. Even the day we ended things, you said that you were waiting for me to get online, because you needed me to calm you, and I did. Seeing me made you happy every time. I love that I could do that for you.

Any hint of doubt I displayed, you would immediately tell me about all the things you felt were wonderful in me. Lists and lists of positive qualities that you believed I have, and that I am beautiful. After a while, I believed all the things you told me. You made me feel good about myself and who I am. Warmed my heart. Made me love you even more.

You said that I made you feel amazing. That no one has ever made you feel the way I did. I made you believe that you were wonderful, handsome, smart, spiritual, a great person... because you are. No one is better. You're the best man I've ever met, and I told you that. Always believe that about yourself.

You said Jack Johnson's "Angel" was about me. That I give you presents, with my presence alone. You'd get the next part wrong sometimes, but I loved that you'd say, I had a smile that could melt your heart. And how you knew if we were together, I'd give you kisses on the lips, just for coming home.

The first time I kissed you. I was so nervous to be next to you, I tried to kiss you on the cheek, but you turned your head at the last minute. ha. sweet kisses after that. Had breakfast together and then had fun at museum. Played in the exhibits like kids.

The next time I saw you, kisses were passionate, perfect, wonderful. Your face when I was with you, sweetest, most handsome, heart warming thing I've ever seen. I felt like I fit just right in your arms. Your mouth, soft and amazing. Your hands, gentle and sweet. Not timid like I thought you'd be. So comfortable with each other. I didn't feel self conscious at all, just wonderful, by your side.

And its over now.

You said yesterday you wish that somehow we had married years ago, and had our own kids together.

You talked many times about how you wish you could have a time machine, and go back and marry me. I told you maybe it wouldn't have worked out. That we are the people we are today, because of the past. And although I think we are perfect for each other now, to change that may have ruined what we have today.

Now guilt.

I feel like I ruined what we had. It was wrong even when it was innocent. I love you so much that I didn't care at the time. At first I said I don't regret sharing myself with you. I still don't completely, but I regret the effects that has had on you, and wish I could take it back. Things would have gone on longer. But they shouldn't have gone on longer. It should have ended before I was madly in love with you. Before I felt like I couldn't live without you. Before I knew with all my heart that you were the love of my life and no one else would ever compare. You love me so much, and even though part of me wants to end up with you still, and I never want you to share the love we had with anyone else... I want you to be happy. Find the girl that can be your happily ever after, and be blessed with all the things you deserve.