anger

Two days ago I felt myself becoming irritable.

Yesterday, I was short and snappy.

Today I know why. My old coping mechanisms coming back to save me from pain.

I feel my connection to life dissipating. My ability to smile has completely turned off. My sadness is shoved somewhere down in a black hole in my chest. I keep telling myself it doesn't matter, and I don't matter. As long as I fulfill the responsibilities that I have in my life, then how I feel doesn't matter, and no one cares. And I don't care because I don't matter. I'm fine with that. I'm worthless. Always have been. Shouldn't have lied to myself about it. Shouldn't have ever let myself feel again. Shouldn't have let anyone in and let myself be happy. That was a horrible idea. Now I know what it feels like, and I'm completely ANGRY that I have to be this way instead. That's all I have left of my emotions. Just anger and resentment because I don't matter. I should kill those emotions too, so I can be a robot again - a Stepford Wife. Appearing on the outside to be well put together and efficient... but empty inside.