good bye for now

We started talking again. Its the only thing that makes me better. You said you needed me to calm you. You said I am the only thing that can calm you. Just seeing me and talking to me makes you better. And again, we decided there is to be no more. Not good bye forever. Just for now, until that day sometime in the far future when I run in to you again accidentally in a crowd. Like we did that fall, after 10 years not seeing each other.

I can't even explain the happiness you bring me. Can't explain everything that's been going on to someone who might read this blog. Those who know what is going on don't even know the whole story.

I know these things to be true:
* You love me in every way and want me to be your wife.
* I love you, and if you asked me to be yours forever, I would say yes.
* Our families and our situation won't let us be together, and you have to go away... again.
* I have to not speak to you any more.

I'm not strong enough to endure. Here I am: empty shell. No sunshine without you. I am going to choose today to follow the path that has been chosen for me. The only way for me to survive is to be hollow again inside. There is no other way. I bury myself to survive. Not even sure if I want to survive.

I will do this because I'm told it is the right thing to do.
I will do this for you, the boy I love, so that you can get over it all and heal.
I will do this for my family.
Most of all, I will do this to try to please God, whom I have failed with my shortcomings.

I failed everyone.

I have to tell myself I do not matter. I do not matter at all. I am unimportant. I am not a good person. I am inconsequential to the bigger picture. My happiness is worthless and selfish. I have been incredibly selfish.. I will do what I'm told.

But don't expect me to smile. The love of my life has been torn away from me. I am in pain. I have tried my entire life to make everyone else happy and live up to their standards and be perfect. I just wanted this one thing. I just wanted to be happy. Happiness is selfishness. Its not real. Its a lie.

I will continue through the motions of life, and wait to die, but at least I'll die doing whats right.