unexpected reminders

It seems he can't stay away any better than I can.

He sent me an email this morning. At first i was excited, but I knew he wasn't supposed to send it. No more contact: we had agreed upon that. He wrote me a story because today is my birthday. The story said 31  years ago today a girl was born, her qualities refined by the hardships in her life, like coal into diamonds... and "she" grew up into a kind, beautiful princess.

all I said was "thank you." I didn't know if I should respond or what else to say. I couldn't say I love you and I miss you. I couldn't start the conversations again. I can't go through feeling like I have to lose him over and over again, the next time he says we have to stop talking.

He responded. He told me to have a good day.

I didn't answer him that time. I wanted to, but knew I shouldn't. I didnt start the comunication.

I was feeling pretty proud of myself for staying strong. I'm not usually the one who can resist opening up conversation. I suppose I shouldn't be too proud, since I did say thank you, but it was progress for me.

Evening came and I went to work my usual night shift. I felt okay. I felt empty, but stable. Later in the night, I went to check my cell phone. I clicked on my picture gallery accidentally and there were 2 pictures staring me in the face. Pictures of the boy I love so much, eventhough I thought I erased them. I thought they were all gone off the computer and phone. I thought I took everything and placed it in a box in my closet. I didn't want any unexpected reminders... and yet these 2 pictures appeared out of nowhere to taunt my broken soul.

My heart began to hurt. I stared at them for a minute, then turned off my phone. I miss him.

It pulled back memories of how his touch felt, his lips, his face, his tenderness. No, don't think about that any more. Must channel the emptiness.