bitterness

        So I see these people who are in our situation (or at least very close to it). They did what we did. They decided to stay apart.... until yesterday. I saw them together. They told everyone. They said screw it! We love each other, shut up, we will be together. Yeah, they are facing some consequences.

        At first I was surprised, maybe shocked. Then I thought it was cute. Then I got really bitter and jealous. Why couldn't that be me? Why can't I have what I want? Why do I try to do the right thing all the time, and I struggle, and work hard, and take care of my family and those around me, and now I'm taking on a second job, and I suffer through heart ache, and I suffer through all these emotions, no relief, no help from anywhere, no understanding. Why don't I get to have my happily ever after?!?

       I've never felt bitter or jealous before. Not really. But yesterday I did. I even packed a bag. I put it in my car. I laughed to myself. It felt liberating. Its still sitting in my car. Waiting for me to take it to where ever I decide my destination might be.

        Then I thought about my responsibilities. I can't leave. I might leave. But I can't today. I wish you could come to see me. I don't want to put that hassle on you shoulders. I want to go to you. You are so far away. Ugh. I still feel bitter. Though I get better controlling my emotions, and my obvious display of constant sadness fades as far as anyone outside can see, I'm still not right.

        I had happily ever after in front of me. Is it too late now? Is my one chance gone?

        I am so jealous of them. All I want is a small piece of happiness on this earth to share with you. That is all I ask. That is all I want. I am fading. My hopes are fading. My sadness fades into uncaring and duty.

        So if you see me, and I seem happy, or I'm smiling... All I've done is paint a pretty coat of fresh pain over the rotting wall of my heart. On the outside I'm doing fine. On the inside, the scars will never completely fade.