sometimes I forget

       Yesterday I tried to tell myself you had something better going on. The bits and pieces of messages I received from you over the past 4 days were always nice, made me smile, but very few and far between. I tried to tell myself we were done, you were getting over me. Focus on something else. No big deal. These things happen. Maybe your feelings fade with time apart. I have a lot of things to work on in my life, in my family. I told myself, "listen to the Bible on MP3. Do not focus on something you cannot have!" I made it to Isaiah. That's an accomplishment. "Whatever you do," I said, still speaking to myself, "Do NOT play that CD he made for me with the cute songs. Don't do it! Don't!!"

       Okay, so maybe I listened to two songs... but I turned it off after that! I put in my headphones and turned up the bible. That was better. I put my hands over my ears as if to try to drown out the sound of the songs I'd just heard. The lingering notes floating somewhere in the air. Stop the music from getting back in my ears, into my head.

       It was the middle of the night. I thought the day was over for the people who work "normal" hours. They should all be asleep. You weren't asleep. You were thinking of me. You had been drinking a bit of courage. Not too much, just enough. You sent me a message. You made my heart smile. Stupid heart. I told it to forget you. Now its all confused again. Why do I always do this? If I don't hear from you, I try to pull myself out of this crazy situation we have gotten in to. If I don't hear from you, I try to tell myself you don't care. ... but I'm always wrong. Everytime, I'm wrong.

Sometimes I forget...  that you said you love me.

       Am I trying to protect myself from the inevitable? from the bad ending that will come one day? You love me. You don't say that easily. You've only told one other girl those relationship-changing words in the past 10 years, so I know its not said lightly. I know that you mean it. Last week you said, "Sometimes I think you forget why I love you."

       I told you, "No, sometimes I just don't feel those reasons inside me." I wonder if I really am so beautiful, smart, fun, giving, caring as you try to convince me that I am.

       Tonight, I heard your voice. You told me you want to be with me. That I make you want to be better in your life. That you want to make me feel the happiness and confidence that I give you. You didn't tell me you love me, but I know why. Its because I won't say it out loud back to you. I haven't told you out loud. I've written it, I've typed it, but I won't tell you back. Not out loud. I want to. I've wanted to for a while, but I want to tell you to your face. When I see you again. Not over the phone. Not in a video message. I want to tell you when you are next to me. You asked me to whisper it in your ear. I want to be with you in person, so I can know its real. So you can know the words I tell you are real.